My roommate just texted me a post:
This lead to an interesting conversation about motivations; love and hate.
My roommate just texted me a post:
This lead to an interesting conversation about motivations; love and hate.
Hey guys, once again it’s been a while.
I’ve been working on my master’s and it’s been very busy. But during this time I developed another mental health condition, an eating disorder. (TW: EMETOPHOBIA)
It’s hard to conceive of. On the one hand it’s like, how can I do this to myself? I see people smoking cigarettes and such, and wonder how anyone could have gotten involved in such a self-destructive behavior that is harmful to my health. Now I think to myself that I’m doing the same thing. I’m throwing up after I eat, almost every day, though it’s not every meal and sometimes I’m able to control it. This is awful for my health – it leads to weight gain, esophageal problems, teeth problems, et cetera.
I’m miserable about it. I hate throwing up, it feels gross, even if I feel better afterwards. But I sit at work after lunch and I can’t stop thinking about throwing up. It’s usually lunchtime, sometimes breakfast or dinner, but almost always lunch. And I don’t know what to do.
My therapist says it’s a decision that I can make. I can decide to stop having an eating disorder, but she can tell there’s part of me that doesn’t want to stop. I think it’s about control and desire. I am stressed and tired and I keep gaining weight. I can’t seem to control my food intake – I want to eat EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME – so I control how I feel afterwards. I don’t know. It allows me to eat whatever I want with the uncomfortable feeling of overeating. It means I can have it both ways.
I don’t want to have an eating disorder. But at the same time I’m afraid I do. I can’t control my weight – now I have another reason (you gain weight when you’re bulimic often because you’re still getting calories, just not nutrition from the food. Or something. I don’t really understand it but this is what I was told). So I gained weight from my depression meds, and now I’m gaining weight because I feel the need to throw up after I eat.
I really don’t know what to do about this. I need help. But I can’t afford inpatient treatment right now.
It’s been forever since I blogged – mostly because the school year started and so I have 24 hours of internship per week, 20 hours of job, and 10+ hours of class depending on how long it takes me to do my homework and study. So I don’t have much time for breathing, let alone writing.
It was my birthday a few days ago and something interesting happened to me: I got catcalled.
Now I don’t take that as a good thing, it’s just a surprising thing, considering my weight and my general issues with self-esteem and appearance. I barely got catcalled when I was skinny, let alone now. How messed up is it that part of my self worth is driven by the erotic approval of random men on the street? I mean, it’s not, not really. I don’t like being catcalled, it freaks me out. But like, the fact that someone thought I was attractive enough to catcall makes me feel a little bit better, but also weirded out.
Like, how can I think like that? It’s toxic, and it’s patriarchal. I hate that I think like that. But It makes sense in some way based on the way our society is. “Take it as a compliment!” they say. But it’s always creepy, and always scary when it happens, even if it is meant as a genuine compliment. But “Hey sexy, how you doing?” is not generally a compliment.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this. It’s sort of just a life report and a little rant. Everyone who follows me knows I have self-image issues, and those are just getting worse. But regardless of that I don’t want to be catcalled – even when there’s part of me that insists that I do.
We are constantly bombarded with sexual imagery and the idea is pushed into our heads over and over again that our bodies are commodities for male consumption. But men don’t like fat girls like me. So I’m never catcalled. Hooray for that! But also because society has taught me I must be desirable, the fact that no one desires me really hurts. It’s not just the catcalling. It’s the fear that because of my body, no one will ever love me and I’ll be alone forever. And that’s a depression spiral I sink into often – when I don’t get responses on my online dating apps, when I feel like I can’t talk to someone at the bar or the club, when I see just how good my ex looks, and know how terrible I look, and knowing that even he, who once loved me, wouldn’t want me now. It’s terrible. It’s a self-esteem issue. But regardless catcalling does not solve that issue!
The only type of catcalling I want to hear is when a literal cat calls me on the phone. And since that rarely happens, well…no catcalling!
Yesterday it was announced that the 13th Doctor in the popular British television show Doctor Who would be Jodie Whittaker. Up until now, the 12 ½ Doctors, including Steven Moffat’s controversial War Doctor regeneration (that’s the ½), have been arguably straight, cisgender, white men. I say arguably straight because all of actual romances, primarily from New Who, have been with women, though the New Who Doctors have occasionally flirted with men – that could easily have been joking or queer baiting. As for Classic Who, I don’t know much about it, but the First Doctor had a granddaughter (implying a son or daughter of some kind), and wasn’t involved in much romance as far as I know. So for all intents and purposes, he was likely assumed straight, though he may have been asexual as well, from what I’ve heard. But again – I don’t know much about Classic Who.
Let me preface this whole thing by saying: I am white. I am Jewish, and that does mean something in terms of not being “white enough” – but I am white Jewish. I consider myself white. People who aren’t white supremacists consider me white, and I get all the privileges that come with being white and growing up in a white, suburban, middle-to-upper-middle class family. There certainly is anti-Semitism that affects my life, but it is not racism, and the difference does matter.
With all that said, I read a book yesterday called “The Hate U Give” by Angie Thomas. It’s the story of a young black girl named Starr Carter who lives with her family “in the hood” but goes to an elite “bougie” school. Her father is a former gangbanger who went to prison, but now is successful as a grocery store owner. Her mother works in a hospital. Starr is dating a white boy from school. She feels she has two separate personalities – the one at school and the one at home, but neither of them are really her, and both of them are really her. But one night, on her way back from a party, Starr’s friend Khalil is shot by a police officer right in front of her. Starr becomes a key witness in a case much like many we’ve seen in the U.S. all too recently: A white police officer shoots first and asks questions later. Now Starr is caught up in an absolute circus of events, where she has to recount the events of the night over and over to people who don’t believe her, or who believe because Khalil was a drug dealer, that he deserved to die. And SPOILER ALERT – at the end of the day, at the end of it all, the white police officer doesn’t get indicted. Even as we see the story from Starr’s point of view, and know what truly happened, the police officer gets away scot free with killing a young, unarmed black boy. And even though this book is fiction, it closely mirrors real world events. I can’t even name all of the “incidents” like this that have happened in the past year in the US. Tamir Rice, Sandra Bland, Eric Garner, Philando Castile – those are some of the names you may have heard on the news, but it’s not all of them. Not by a longshot.
I think everyone should read this book. First of all, it’s a good book. But it’s a young adult novel, so it’s written as something that’s easy to digest. It’s not inflammatory like a news article might be, but if you truly understand it, you will get angry on behalf of Starr, on behalf of Khalil, and on behalf of all the real world black men and women, boys and girls, who have been mishandled, mistreated, and outright abused by the police. What happens in this book is what happens in life, and it’s something everyone should know, but doesn’t.
As a white person, I can say this and hopefully other white people will listen: All white people say and do racist things. All white people are, to a certain extent, racist. Because of the way our society is built, on the backs of slaves and at the deaths of Native Americans who had their land stolen to create what is today our country, it is impossible to not be racist if you don’t actively work to be anti-racist. It’s hard, and it’s exhausting, and you’re going to fuck up, over and over again. You’re going to put your foot in your mouth over and over again. But the point is to learn from it. And it’s the very least you can do. (I say you – but I also mean me. I also have to work to be anti-racist. And I’m still learning! I fuck up! But I keep going to work to live an anti-racist lifestyle to the best of my ability, and use the privileges I’ve gotten from being white, from being middle-to-upper-middle-class, from being able-bodied if not quite neurotypical, et cetera, to help make the world a better, more equitable and equal place.)
Angie Thomas has done us all a favor by writing an incredible book that can help us, as white people, have a very necessary conversation with our friends and family. Because even though the particular situation she writes is fictional, the story she tells is not. This book should be on summer reading lists. This book should be at the top of bestseller lists. And from there, white people should research. They should take what they learned from this fictional account and go read about the realities of police violence and abuse. It shouldn’t stop there. “The Hate U Give” is where the conversation should begin, not end.
And I’m here to help get the conversation going. Any of my non-white friends and followers, I may not have much influence, or a loud voice, but if you need a platform to speak from, I will do my best to give it to you and step aside. Because this country is racist. But I do have hope that one day it won’t be. But we have a lot, A LOT, of work to do first.
So I’ve been doing the online dating thing for a while now but I haven’t really been what you would call “successful.” I’ve been using OKCupid, and I’ve gone on a bunch of dates, but I’d only been on a second (and third) date with one guy. Nobody else even approached a second date.
As for the guy I went on three dates with, I enjoyed his company, and we had fun, but I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to date him for various reasons I don’t feel like getting into. I don’t want to just date anyone, I want to date who I want to date. And that didn’t happen to be this guy.
So I started reevaluating what I wanted. I wanted to date someone, that much was true, but if that was it I could have dated this guy and would have theoretically been happy. But I don’t want to date someone for the sake of dating. I want to feel a spark, a connection – someone I know I could have fun with but also lie together in silence with. Someone I want to get down and dirty with and someone I want to kiss me on the cheek as we walk through a park. I want physical and emotional connection. I am affection starved both physically and emotionally.
But at the same time, I’m feeling more stable emotionally than I have in a long time. I want to date someone, but I don’t need to date anyone. But what I did want is physical affection. So…I turned to tinder.
Hey all! Long time no blog. I just…haven’t had much to say recently. Or at least nothing new. I mean, I got a job in my field, and I’ve been working. The semester ended well. I’m doing pretty well in general so I haven’t had too much to update there. There has been plenty to talk about if I wanted to do a Current Events Corner – but I never felt I had anything to contribute that hadn’t already been said by someone else. And my personal life has had its ups and downs, but it’s mostly the same stuff that I’ve talked about in previous blog posts. I’ve been particularly feeling what I wrote in my last blog post – the one about Affection and Shadows and true selves and friendship. I’ve been feeling lonely still. Feeling like my friends have abandoned me. But then I think of my friends who /haven’t/ abandoned me, and although I may not be as close to them as I once was, we’re still close, and they still love me and I love them.
One instance recently that bothered me was pretty stupid. A couple of my friends had gone out somewhere and posted a picture of it on Instagram. Now, normally that wouldn’t bother me – people have lives and the right to go out and do things and I don’t have to be involved. What bothered me was that they invited my ex, and not me. And I always considered myself closer to these friends than my ex was to them, so seeing the picture with my ex in it and them all having fun, I just wondered, “Why did they invite him and not me? Do they like him better than me?” and all sorts of fun spiraling nonsense. And like I’ve said before, my ex and I are still friends, but there is a lot of heartbreak and baggage there. So when I see him hang out with the people who are our mutual friends – but who I know were closer to me before we dated – it hurts me, even though it’s stupid, and my brain says to me that they chose him over me and that they will continue to choose him over me. It puts up that stupid scenario that if both of us were drowning, and they could only save one of us, they would pick him, and let me drown. Of course, that’s a stupid scenario that actually makes no sense. But my brain also provides the scenario that if I happened to go to the hospital again, no one would visit me, and I would be alone. So I was actually having a great day before I saw that photo, and then suddenly I was having a shitty one. I crawled into bed and cried. I hate the power that other people have over me. But after falling asleep from crying and exhaustion, I got a text from a different friend inviting me to dinner. And that reminded me that I do have friends who care about me, people who think about me and want to hang out with me and do things. And that made me feel better.
So this has already gotten longer than I intended it to be. I’m going to make another post today or tomorrow about online dating, which is the other big thing that has been going on in my life recently.