With somebody who loves me…

I’ve been sick in bed for four days now and I’ve done pretty much nothing but read romantic fanfiction. It’s gotten to the point where I’m dreaming romantic fanfiction, and that sexy Russian figure skaters will come and sweep me off my feet.

But life isn’t a fanfiction, a romance movie, or a novel. And when I wake up from my dreams I’m still alone, and I’m sad.

Yes, this is another post about love and romance and heartbreak and such. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot because I have nothing else to do but read schmoopy stories and feel happy about that and then sad that my life is not a schmoopy story.

I know it’s not all like that, but at this point, I can’t help but feel I’ll be alone forever. I have a hard time meeting people. And maybe I don’t give people enough of a chance, and I’m missing out on something.

For example, I went on a date last week. It was perfectly nice. But…I didn’t feel anything. He was nice, he was cute, but everything about the encounter was awkward. Not in a bad way, and if he asked, I might even go out with him again. But I didn’t feel enough of a connection to want to ask him out again.

And I don’t know if I’m just not taking enough chances. But like. It didn’t feel right. And I don’t know what right feels like. But it wasn’t that.

Maybe I’m too picky. Maybe my standards are too high. For someone who is not very pretty, is an anxious, depressed mess, and is otherwise average in every way, I don’t have a lot to offer. But I’m looking for something special. I don’t want to date just to have someone to date. That’s not me. But who would even like me? 

And then there’s my ex – I miss what we had a lot. I still cry about it. And he’s still really attractive. But I’m finally at a point where I know I don’t want to get back together with him – we both have too much baggage and it’s not a matched set. I’m looking for someone whose baggage complements mine. 
I’m rambling yet again. I don’t know exactly what the point of this was. Maybe I’m just looking for advice.

Readers, how did you meet your SOs, if you have any? What makes it work? Why can’t I find somebody to love me?

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“When everything feels like a movie, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive” – Goo Goo Dolls

What’s the point?ctrlaltthumb-1

I’m beginning to feel apathetic to down again, and I don’t know if that means my new mood stabilizer is working or not. I know I haven’t been manic since I started it about two months ago, so that’s a good sign. But I’m feeling more, I don’t know, generically depressed? Like, I’m not suicidal at all right now, so I don’t think I’m having any low-lows, and I’m certainly not having any high-highs. I’m just…tired and sad.

And I wonder, what’s the point? I feel as if I’ve lost control of my life – I’m bulimic, I’m depressed, and I’m just unable to do anything right now. I hang out with my friends, I go to my internship, my job, and my classes, but I don’t feel anything. I can smile and laugh and all that, it’s not like I feel nothing, I don’t feel empty like I used to a long time ago, but I’m not really experiencing anything either.

It’s like I’m…I don’t know. There’s a Welcome to Night Vale quote that says, “Death is only the end if you believe the story is about you” – or something like that. And I love that quote. Because I don’t think the story is about me, even though it’s my life. Everything will go on after my death, not that I want to die right now. I don’t even want to just stop exisiting right now. I’m not in pain like I have been in the past. But I want to be in control. I want to feel good. I want to feel bad. I want to experience the variety of human emotions without letting them control me, as they do when I feel them so deeply.

It’s like, in some ways, bulimia /eating disorders are supposed to be about control. Controlling something when everything else is uncontrollable. But I don’t feel in control. I feel like I can’t stop it. And maybe there’s just part of me that doesn’t want to stop. But I do want to stop.

I feel…contradictory. And again, what’s the point? What’s the point to becoming a social worker, if I can’t even solve my own problems? What’s the point to eating well if I am going to gain weight anyway because of my medication. What’s the point in anything at all.

I may have said this before, but there’s a Papa Roach lyric that goes “I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much” And I really identify with that lyric. However, now I feel I don’t even have that. I’ve barely cared about anything recently.If I can’t even care too much, what’s the point?

I’m just tired. I just want to lay on the couch and pet the cat. But she doesn’t want me to pet her and she doesn’t care about me either. She just wants to be fed and then goes off and does her own thing. I know people care about me, and maybe it’s just selfish to want more. But that’s something that I’ve talked about before and differently. That’s certainly not the point.

This is just a rambly little post. I don’t have anything new or unique to say. But I want to try and update more. Maybe this is pointless too.

I’m sorry.

On Eating Disorders

Hey guys, once again it’s been a while.

I’ve been working on my master’s and it’s been very busy. But during this time I developed another mental health condition, an eating disorder. (TW: EMETOPHOBIA)

I’m bulimic.

It’s hard to conceive of. On the one hand it’s like, how can I do this to myself? I see people smoking cigarettes and such, and wonder how anyone could have gotten involved in such a self-destructive behavior that is harmful to my health. Now I think to myself that I’m doing the same thing. I’m throwing up after I eat, almost every day, though it’s not every meal and sometimes I’m able to control it. This is awful for my health – it leads to weight gain, esophageal problems, teeth problems, et cetera.

I’m miserable about it. I hate throwing up, it feels gross, even if I feel better afterwards. But I sit at work after lunch and I can’t stop thinking about throwing up. It’s usually lunchtime, sometimes breakfast or dinner, but almost always lunch. And I don’t know what to do.

My therapist says it’s a decision that I can make. I can decide to stop having an eating disorder, but she can tell there’s part of me that doesn’t want to stop. I think it’s about control and desire. I am stressed and tired and I keep gaining weight. I can’t seem to control my food intake – I want to eat EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME – so I control how I feel afterwards. I don’t know. It allows me to eat whatever I want with the uncomfortable feeling of overeating. It means I can have it both ways.

I don’t want to have an eating disorder. But at the same time I’m afraid I do. I can’t control my weight – now I have another reason (you gain weight when you’re bulimic often because you’re still getting calories, just not nutrition from the food. Or something. I don’t really understand it but this is what I was told). So I gained weight from my depression meds, and now I’m gaining weight because I feel the need to throw up after I eat.

I really don’t know what to do about this. I need help. But I can’t afford inpatient treatment right now.

Catcalling

It’s been forever since I blogged – mostly because the school year started and so I have 24 hours of internship per week, 20 hours of job, and 10+ hours of class depending on how long it takes me to do my homework and study. So I don’t have much time for breathing, let alone writing.

It was my birthday a few days ago and something interesting happened to me: I got catcalled.

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Now I don’t take that as a good thing, it’s just a surprising thing, considering my weight and my general issues with self-esteem and appearance. I barely got catcalled when I was skinny, let alone now. How messed up is it that part of my self worth is driven by the erotic approval of random men on the street? I mean, it’s not, not really. I don’t like being catcalled, it freaks me out. But like, the fact that someone thought I was attractive enough to catcall makes me feel a little bit better, but also weirded out.

Like, how can I think like that? It’s toxic, and it’s patriarchal. I hate that I think like that. But It makes sense in some way based on the way our society is. “Take it as a compliment!” they say. But it’s always creepy, and always scary when it happens, even if it is meant as a genuine compliment. But “Hey sexy, how you doing?” is not generally a compliment.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this. It’s sort of just a life report and a little rant. Everyone who follows me knows I have self-image issues, and those are just getting worse. But regardless of that I don’t want to be catcalled – even when there’s part of me that insists that I do.

We are constantly bombarded with sexual imagery and the idea is pushed into our heads over and over again that our bodies are commodities for male consumption. But men don’t like fat girls like me. So I’m never catcalled. Hooray for that! But also because society has taught me I must be desirable, the fact that no one desires me really hurts. It’s not just the catcalling. It’s the fear that because of my body, no one will ever love me and I’ll be alone forever. And that’s a depression spiral I sink into often – when I don’t get responses on my online dating apps, when I feel like I can’t talk to someone at the bar or the club, when I see just how good my ex looks, and know how terrible I look, and knowing that even he, who once loved me, wouldn’t want me now. It’s terrible. It’s a self-esteem issue. But regardless catcalling does not solve that issue!

The only type of catcalling I want to hear is when a literal cat calls me on the phone. And since that rarely happens, well…no catcalling!

 

 

More on Dating and Realizations

one20night20stand

I’ve actually internalized recently a realization about my ex and my past relationship. I’ve realized that I don’t want to get back together with him, but I do wish we were still in a relationship. What I mean to say is, I miss what we had, and I wish that was a thing that was still happening, but since it’s not, I don’t want to actually get back together. He hurt me really badly. Really, really badly. But I’m okay with being friends with him for the most part. I still feel jealous and hurt when he’s affectionate with literally everybody else but me. I’m jealous when my friends hang out with him, and not me. (They’re MY friends, my brain tells me. I introduced them to him. Why do they choose him over me?) And I still have a lot of baggage regarding the relationship. But I don’t want it back. I wish it was still happening, but I don’t want it back.

Continue reading “More on Dating and Realizations”

Life Update

Hey all! Long time no blog. I just…haven’t had much to say recently. Or at least nothing new.  I mean, I got a job in my field, and I’ve been working. The semester ended well. I’m doing pretty well in general so I haven’t had too much to update there. There has been plenty to talk about if I wanted to do a Current Events Corner – but I never felt I had anything to contribute that hadn’t already been said by someone else. And my personal life has had its ups and downs, but it’s mostly the same stuff that I’ve talked about in previous blog posts. I’ve been particularly feeling what I wrote in my last blog post – the one about Affection and Shadows and true selves and friendship. I’ve been feeling lonely still. Feeling like my friends have abandoned me. But then I think of my friends who /haven’t/ abandoned me, and although I may not be as close to them as I once was, we’re still close, and they still love me and I love them.

One instance recently that bothered me was pretty stupid. A couple of my friends had gone out somewhere and posted a picture of it on Instagram. Now, normally that wouldn’t bother me – people have lives and the right to go out and do things and I don’t have to be involved. What bothered me was that they invited my ex, and not me. And I always considered myself closer to these friends than my ex was to them, so seeing the picture with my ex in it and them all having fun, I just wondered, “Why did they invite him and not me? Do they like him better than me?” and all sorts of fun spiraling nonsense. And like I’ve said before, my ex and I are still friends, but there is a lot of heartbreak and baggage there. So when I see him hang out with the people who are our mutual friends – but who I know were closer to me before we dated – it hurts me, even though it’s stupid, and my brain says to me that they chose him over me and that they will continue to choose him over me. It puts up that stupid scenario that if both of us were drowning, and they could only save one of us, they would pick him, and let me drown. Of course, that’s a stupid scenario that actually makes no sense. But my brain also provides the scenario that if I happened to go to the hospital again, no one would visit me, and I would be alone. So I was actually having a great day before I saw that photo, and then suddenly I was having a shitty one. I crawled into bed and cried. I hate the power that other people have over me. But after falling asleep from crying and exhaustion, I got a text from a different friend inviting me to dinner. And that reminded me that I do have friends who care about me, people who think about me and want to hang out with me and do things. And that made me feel better.

So this has already gotten longer than I intended it to be. I’m going to make another post today or tomorrow about online dating, which is the other big thing that has been going on in my life recently.

Your Affection – Abandonment and Friendship

This blog post was inspired in part by what I’ve been thinking about going on in my life all week, and in part by Persona 4: Your Affection – a fanmade Persona 4 visual novel.

persona4What I mean by that is primarily the neutral ends to each of the routes – the “Acceptance” ends…because those are about friendship.

In each of the routes, the Persona users have to confront their shadows again. For those of you who don’t know Persona 4 – a shadow is representative of the person’s deepest, darkest, innermost, primarily negative, thoughts and feelings. And in this fanmade visual novel, the shadows are often talking about the fear of abandonment by friends, and that if your friends truly knew you, they wouldn’t accept the real you. They would abandon you for thinking the way that you do because you’re a gross and terrible person. That’s an oversimplification, but it’s the gist. (The shadows in the actual game say similar things about abandonment too…what would you do if your innermost thoughts, the thoughts you’ve had that you’re least proud of, were on display for all to see?)

And…I’ve been thinking a lot about my friendships and abandonment this week in particular.

I know for a fact my friends would leave me if I talked about my innermost thoughts. If I talked about my depression and anxiety and my problems. My boyfriend left me because he couldn’t handle it. A long while later, I had a breakdown and a freakout and sent some of my friends a text that said something along the lines of, “You’re still my friends, right?” and I got called emotionally manipulative for that. (Was I being emotionally manipulative?) Another friend told me a little while after that that I had changed, and fallen behind because of my illness, that I wasn’t able to read social situations anymore.

And when it comes down to it…I was revealing my truest self to them. My dirtiest, ugliest thoughts and fears….and they rejected me. I don’t talk to anyone about my depression anymore. Well, I talk to my therapist, but I don’t have that support network I once (thought that I) had.

I can talk about my ex to some people – about how that still hurts me, and I feel depressed about that. People understand that. But they don’t seem to understand my illness. It makes them uncomfortable. And it makes them want to leave.

If any of my friends saw my shadow, I’m not sure our friendship would survive. And that scares me. I wish I could have someone that I could talk about anything with…like in fiction. Like in this visual novel. Everyone has someone. But right now, I don’t.