Yuri!!! On Ice Saved My Life

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Okay, so saying “Yuri!!! On Ice” saved my life may be a little dramatic, a little hyberbolic, but in other ways, it’s completely true.

If you read my post Taking a nosedive into negative territory you’ll know that I’ve…not been doing so well these past few months. I’m doing a lot better now, part of that is because I’ve taken the time to get treatment, but I’m 100% certain that if I did not have Yuri!!! On Ice, I would have fallen farther, much faster, and possibly hurt myself worse in the process. For most of those months, even when I was hanging out with friends and doing other things that normally made me happy, there was always pain-sad-loneliness in the back of my mind, threatening to take over. The only thing that made me truly happy was interacting with Yuri!!! On Ice media – mostly reading fanfiction and searching for fanart, having already watched the series. Continue reading “Yuri!!! On Ice Saved My Life”

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But Today I’m Fine Without You

Three posts in a week? Wow! I’m proud of myself.

Unfortunately, this is yet another post about my ex.

I’m sure you’re all wondering, “When the fuck is she going to get over this dude and stop writing about him? It’s been three years!”

And you know what? I feel the same way. That’s why I’m writing this post.

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I have a problem. I feel like I’m over him – I consciously don’t want to get back together with him, I don’t think I’m in love with him, and I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. I barely want a friendship with him anymore if I’m honest, but he’s friends with all my friends and that’s impossible to cut out. And there’s still a (large?) part of me that doesn’t want to cut him out anyway.

But I’m dwelling on him again. Probably because he has a new girlfriend. And I’m not jealous, at least not in the way you might think. I’m not jealous of her or of him, but I’m jealous of THEM. That is to say, I am jealous that they are in a relationship, and I am still single.

I do have a bit of a problem with them hanging all over each other when we  are hanging out (in a group – I would never hang out with the two of them on my own). I mean, I know he’s very touchy-feely, and I’m not going to ask them to stop because it’s their prerogative, but it makes me uncomfortable. It reminds me of when he and I were like that, and it reminds me that I have no one to be touchy-feely with, because I am also very touchy-feely.

I went on a date last Saturday night. This was my first date since I had found out he had a new girlfriend several weeks ago, but before we were hanging out and they were all over each other. (I had met his new girlfriend before though, she is very nice. And I am honestly happy for them underneath it all. But I’m also still hurting.) And the guy was really nice and really cute. But I wasn’t really enthusiastic about the date. I had fun and laughed a lot, but just, he kept saying things like he didn’t like going out, he didn’t like vegetables, he didn’t like this band or that band, he didn’t like Ryan Reynolds, he just didn’t like a lot of stuff. And it felt really negative. So I don’t think I want that sort of negativity in my life. So I haven’t texted him since. And he hasn’t texted me either, so he probably didn’t really feel a connection with me either.

I’m so scared I’m going to be alone forever. I’m not going to just jump into a relationship with the first person who wants to be in one with me, but I also don’t want to be alone forever. Especially because I feel like I’m pulling apart from my friends. In some ways it’s a natural drift due to time and adulthood, but I’m also anxious and depressed, so I’m also afraid that they just hate me. So I’m feeling very lonely platonically and lonely romantically, so that really sucks. I’m having a hard time being alone. I feel as if my emotional needs are not being met. I feel clingy. I never used to be like this. I was a true introvert. And now? Well, I’m not an extrovert by any means. But I really need people. And I don’t know if I have them.

And to top it all off, probably because I’m ruminating about this whole thing, I’m dreaming about my ex again. And not in a “I’m having a dream that includes my friends” sort of way, which has also been happening. But in a “I had a dream last night that I texted him ‘I still love you'” which really upsets me. Is my subconscious trying to tell me that I still love him? I don’t know and I really hope not. Because he certainly still doesn’t love me. And I don’t want to love him.

So I’m sick of this. I’m sick of being so needy. I’m sick of being so lonely. And I’m sick of my ex. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. But I have to. And that’s life. So I’m just going to complain about it here on my blog, and hopefully be able to move on.\

Any dating tips, readers?

Words Hurt: A Performative Photo Project

Whether or not you hear these words from other people or from yourself, they tear you down and you fall apart. These are my words.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words have the power to emotionally scar and cripple me.

Take a moment today to think about the words you use – for yourself and for others. If you need to: change them. It might be a long process. But change them for your own good.IMG_20180104_120107IMG_20180104_120121IMG_20180104_120133IMG_20180104_120143

Taking a nosedive into negative territory

I’ve been wanting to write another blog post for a while – thoughts and stressors have been swirling around in my head, and I figured a blog post would be a good way to go. But I couldn’t figure out what to write, so forgive me if this is a little haphazard.

I’m in the hospital again. Well, a partial hospitalization. It means I’m doing groups in the hospital during the day, but I get to go home at night. My mental health has been taking a nosedive since before Thanksgiving and two weeks ago hit a peak where I just wanted to die.

I kept thinking, what was the point? Why should I even bother? Why was I even here? People are resilient, but I didn’t apply that to myself. Just the resilience that, if I was gone, even those who cared about me would get over it eventually. It’s how people survive.

This thought was “evidence-based” from my own experience. When my close friend died by suicide my freshman year in college, I was a wreck. For several months, I was inconsolable. I’m sure her family felt much worse, but I can only imagine. But it’s been almost 7 years since…and while I’m still sad, I still miss her, I don’t think about her every day. In fact, I don’t think about her most days. She doesn’t factor into my daily life. And that scares me – that people can, not forget, but move on. It makes me feel unimportant. It makes me feel insignificant – like it doesn’t matter if I exist at all.

I’m sure my parents and sister would be traumatized if I died. My friends would ultimately get over it. Not that they don’t care, but like, people move on.

I sent a group message to my friends the other day. I was really scared to do it, because the last time I reached out for support or reassurance, I was called emotionally manipulative. To be fair, I’m sure I didn’t phrase my request well, I was in the middle of a depressive panic-attack, and I just shot out a text to three of my friends asking if they were still my friends. They wondered why I only sent the text to the three of them, which I couldn’t really explain, and they told me I was manipulating them. There was more to it than that, but when I tried to express myself I basically got shot down, and I got no compassion for my emotional state. I recognize that I can’t expect people to automatically have the capacity to support me or be there for me – everyone has their own stuff to deal with. But this wasn’t presented in that context. It was presented as if I was in the wrong for having a mental illness, and I just needed to try harder to be “normal.” Now, my memories may be a bit skewed based on how I interpreted  what they said. They may not have meant any of that at all. But that was how I understood their words.

Regardless, I sent a group message to my friends, letting them know that my mental health had taken a nosedive, I was in the partial hospitalization program, and that I may need some extra support. I assured them it was fine if they couldn’t provide that support, because I understand that everyone has their own stuff that they’re dealing with and you need to put your own oxygen mask before assisting others, but if I was extra distant or extra clingy, that was the reason why.

I got three responses. Not that I was necessarily expecting responses, but still…I was hoping for responses. I sent the message to 11ish people. One of those three responses was from a friend I didn’t even send the message to, because she doesn’t have FB messenger where I sent the message, but I was planning on contacting later. One of the responses was from a friend who just told me to reach out if I needed help, and the final response was from my ex. Who is my friend, but I don’t feel like I can talk to him about any of this stuff because it is the reason why he dumped me. The fact that my ex is one of the only people who consistently responds to me when I send out messages (regardless of what kind of message, it could be an invitation to the group chat to hang out, or just a “hey what’s up”)  is incredibly frustrating. Because there’s a lot I know I can’t trust him with emotionally, but he seems to be one of the only ones who cares enough to respond, even if he responds three days later because he’s really bad at texting.

So I can’t help but feel disappointed that most of my friends didn’t even respond with a “feel better!” or anything like that, even though I know it’s an unreasonable expectation.

I need to be able to rely on myself, and not be so dependent on other people for my happiness and well-being, but it’s really hard. I’m trying. but I might not be succeeding exactly.

I’m still figuring some things out. Why my mental health went poop recently, for example. I still can’t figure that out. It just sucks.

I need to put my oxygen mask on, but right now, I can’t even find it.

“There’s no other way out of it, you’re going to have to decapitate me” Dirk Strider, Homestuck

I’ve been talking about this with my therapist recently. I’ve come to realize that I can’t really tolerate emotional or mental pain. Physical pain? Whatever. I mean, obviously I don’t like physical pain, but I can tolerate it. But emotional/mental pain? It’s like that joke/meme from Homestuck with Dirk – whenever something mildly inconveniences him we say “Well, there’s no other way out of it, you’re going to have to decapitate me” (Dirk was decapitated at least two times canonically and says the below, but I digress).

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Source: http://terezi-discourse.tumblr.com/ via Homestuck/MS Paint Adventures

Rather than deal with the problems or the emotional pain, Dirk would rather be decapitated. (At least according to the meme – he has actual reason to be decapitated in canon).

Anyway, my point is I would rather be decapitated than deal with my emotional pain, mental pain, or uncomfortable emotional disturbances/situations. I was never really a cutter, I was a scratcher, a biter, a binge-eater. Nonetheless I imagine myself cutting my wrists and slitting my throat every single time I feel uncomfortable. Parents lecturing me again about spending money on something stupid, and being unable to mange my budget? Feel like shit – better slit my wrists. Accidentally using the phrase “I didn’t want to call you out in front of everyone” instead of “I didn’t want to single you out in front of everyone” – making the person I was talking to think I was mad at them rather than paying them a compliment like I was trying to? I’m so stupid – better bash my head against a tree.

If I was dead I wouldn’t have to deal with emotional pain. I don’t want to be dead (anymore. Right now.) However, my first thought upon being mildly inconvenienced is “If I was dead I wouldn’t have to deal with this.”

If that’s my problem when mildly inconvenienced, you can probably imagine how I feel when I’m in actual emotional pain.

I’m horribly fat and hate my body, no one will ever love me, I will never figure out how to live as a functional adult, my ex is thriving while I’m miserable, I’m lonely, I’m alone, I can’t deal I can’t deal I can’t deal. With this, I actually do bite my lip hard or dig my fingernails into my palm, while imagining something more, something like slitting my throat. I don’t actually do anything that will cause permanent harm, and I’m not even sure it could be called self-harm. But I just can’t deal.

I don’t like this reaction. But I don’t like being uncomfortable or miserable more. I’d rather imagine the ways in which I can hurt myself than feel the roiling in my guy of shame and misery.

Sometimes I draw on my face with makeup, use my bright red lipstick in trails by my eyes to make it look like I’m crying blood. Or scribble on my face just so I can see something. I need some way to take control.

But in the end, there’s no other way out of it. I guess you’re going to have to decapitate me.

With somebody who loves me…

I’ve been sick in bed for four days now and I’ve done pretty much nothing but read romantic fanfiction. It’s gotten to the point where I’m dreaming romantic fanfiction, and that sexy Russian figure skaters will come and sweep me off my feet.

But life isn’t a fanfiction, a romance movie, or a novel. And when I wake up from my dreams I’m still alone, and I’m sad.

Yes, this is another post about love and romance and heartbreak and such. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot because I have nothing else to do but read schmoopy stories and feel happy about that and then sad that my life is not a schmoopy story.

I know it’s not all like that, but at this point, I can’t help but feel I’ll be alone forever. I have a hard time meeting people. And maybe I don’t give people enough of a chance, and I’m missing out on something.

For example, I went on a date last week. It was perfectly nice. But…I didn’t feel anything. He was nice, he was cute, but everything about the encounter was awkward. Not in a bad way, and if he asked, I might even go out with him again. But I didn’t feel enough of a connection to want to ask him out again.

And I don’t know if I’m just not taking enough chances. But like. It didn’t feel right. And I don’t know what right feels like. But it wasn’t that.

Maybe I’m too picky. Maybe my standards are too high. For someone who is not very pretty, is an anxious, depressed mess, and is otherwise average in every way, I don’t have a lot to offer. But I’m looking for something special. I don’t want to date just to have someone to date. That’s not me. But who would even like me?

And then there’s my ex – I miss what we had a lot. I still cry about it. And he’s still really attractive. But I’m finally at a point where I know I don’t want to get back together with him – we both have too much baggage and it’s not a matched set. I’m looking for someone whose baggage complements mine.
I’m rambling yet again. I don’t know exactly what the point of this was. Maybe I’m just looking for advice.

Readers, how did you meet your SOs, if you have any? What makes it work? Why can’t I find somebody to love me?

“When everything feels like a movie, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive” – Goo Goo Dolls

What’s the point?ctrlaltthumb-1

I’m beginning to feel apathetic to down again, and I don’t know if that means my new mood stabilizer is working or not. I know I haven’t been manic since I started it about two months ago, so that’s a good sign. But I’m feeling more, I don’t know, generically depressed? Like, I’m not suicidal at all right now, so I don’t think I’m having any low-lows, and I’m certainly not having any high-highs. I’m just…tired and sad.

And I wonder, what’s the point? I feel as if I’ve lost control of my life – I’m bulimic, I’m depressed, and I’m just unable to do anything right now. I hang out with my friends, I go to my internship, my job, and my classes, but I don’t feel anything. I can smile and laugh and all that, it’s not like I feel nothing, I don’t feel empty like I used to a long time ago, but I’m not really experiencing anything either.

It’s like I’m…I don’t know. There’s a Welcome to Night Vale quote that says, “Death is only the end if you believe the story is about you” – or something like that. And I love that quote. Because I don’t think the story is about me, even though it’s my life. Everything will go on after my death, not that I want to die right now. I don’t even want to just stop exisiting right now. I’m not in pain like I have been in the past. But I want to be in control. I want to feel good. I want to feel bad. I want to experience the variety of human emotions without letting them control me, as they do when I feel them so deeply.

It’s like, in some ways, bulimia /eating disorders are supposed to be about control. Controlling something when everything else is uncontrollable. But I don’t feel in control. I feel like I can’t stop it. And maybe there’s just part of me that doesn’t want to stop. But I do want to stop.

I feel…contradictory. And again, what’s the point? What’s the point to becoming a social worker, if I can’t even solve my own problems? What’s the point to eating well if I am going to gain weight anyway because of my medication. What’s the point in anything at all.

I may have said this before, but there’s a Papa Roach lyric that goes “I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much” And I really identify with that lyric. However, now I feel I don’t even have that. I’ve barely cared about anything recently.If I can’t even care too much, what’s the point?

I’m just tired. I just want to lay on the couch and pet the cat. But she doesn’t want me to pet her and she doesn’t care about me either. She just wants to be fed and then goes off and does her own thing. I know people care about me, and maybe it’s just selfish to want more. But that’s something that I’ve talked about before and differently. That’s certainly not the point.

This is just a rambly little post. I don’t have anything new or unique to say. But I want to try and update more. Maybe this is pointless too.

I’m sorry.