Life’s Gonna Suck When You Grow Up (It Sucks Pretty Bad Right Now)

I stopped taking my meds a week and a half ago. Why? Because I ran out because I haven’t seen my psych in 6 months because making appointments and being an adult is hard. Luckily, I was able to call and make an appointment for this week, so I’ll have my meds again, but being “off” of them again is…weird.

I’m rapid cycling through hypomania and depressive phases – constantly on the verge of weeping and yet moving through life so fast that I can’t control what I do. I’ve been sleeping less and feeling fine about it, except for the fact that every day I want to cry all the time. I’ve spent so much money that I technically have, but shouldn’t be spending, on things that I don’t need at all, though about half of them are useful (dresses and shoes I can wear to work? Useful. Yuri!!! On Ice merch and Harley Quinn cosplay stuff? Makes me feel better, but not as useful.)

I’m still managing to go to work, but I only have a part time job right now, so I’m actively looking for a full time job now that I’ve graduated from my Master’s Program. But that gives me a lot of empty time where I watch youtube videos, laugh manically, watch anime and listen to podcasts, weep silently, shop online, shop in stores, and text and text and text my friends. It’s also a lot of time on the computer.

You know what else is on the computer? The news. You know what sucks worse than my own life? The things I see on the news. Not the least of which is the fact that we live in some sort of fascist something I can’t articulate right now because my head is both cloudier than it ever has been and clearer than it’s been in years. Separating children from their families and putting them in cages is what this country has come to. And by “come to” I mean “come back to.”

I am a middle class (??) white woman with somewhat severe mental health issues. (The question marks are because if it was just based on my salary and assets, I would live below the poverty line. But my parents are helping me until I get a job post-grad, and then I’m on my own. [did the font just change or am I imagining things?] But I also know I always have the opportunity to go back and live with my parents if I need to, and they’re willing to support me that way/help me get back on my feet if it comes to that. Etc). Point being, I’ve been having a lot of personal troubles since I graduated, but when it comes down to it, I’m /fine/. Sure, I may be having a bit of a mental break, but I’ll come out the other side of it probably. And if I don’t then I’ll be dead and it won’t matter anymore.

But my point is literally everything else in the world is a shitshow. And I don’t know what I can do to help. I know I can’t fix it on my own. I live in a blue state with elected officials who are (theoretically) doing their best to change things, and even though I think the system is corrupt and needs to be thrown out completely, having government officials who think that putting children in concentration camps is immoral, child abuse, wrong, what have you is MUCH better than anything that we currently have. So I don’t know that calling them will help, because they’re already working on it. In theory. I don’t have any money to donate. I don’t have a network of influential anything, and while I have some time to volunteer in between the part time job and the job search, I don’t know where or how to help.

What can I do?

And so my morals and my mental health are also almost fighting with each other – because both of them want me to do SOMETHING, but my brain is telling me that if I’m not in the space to take care of myself how the hell can I help anyone else? (Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others). But then my heart is like, “you silent, selfish bitch.” because if I don’t say anything, if I don’t do anything, then aren’t I just complicit in the acts of violence, cruelty, and literally everything else going on?

So I’m in a constant state of personal and interpersonal distress. And I don’t know what to do.

I just don’t know. I just feel like sleeping and screaming and ahhhhhhhhhhh.

So I make gnocchi in spicy tomato sauce for breakfast, tweet about being rickrolled, and post Waluigi memes on my timeline. I search for jobs, and go to work, and text and text and text my friends. And I lay on the couch and cry without crying, without sound or tears, but with great, wrenching sobs. And I still don’t know what to do.

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Another complicated suicide

This week we lost two high profile celebrities to suicide – Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.

I’ve been suicidal before. In fact, earlier this week, even before the celebrity suicides, I was horrifically suicidal for the first time in at least six months, maybe longer. It was terrifying because I had no idea where it was coming from. I just wanted to die, and more importantly, I was afraid of what I might do to myself. I have a knife in my room, a well-made, but decorative, knife that I got at the Renaissance Faire. It’s not super sharp, but it is sharp enough. And I was afraid to have that knife in my room this week. In some ways I’m lucky that I need refills on all my meds because usually poisoning by overdose is the way I contemplate suicide – but I knew I wouldn’t have enough of anything, even if I washed it down with the bottle of vodka that was in the kitchen. But did I tell anybody I was feeling suicidal? No, not until more or less right now, when I wrote it out in this blog post. I didn’t reach out to anyone. I did tell my roommate the next day that I “had a bad day” and told my friend that I was kinda thinking about the feeling of going to the hospital, but I didn’t come out and say, “I am suicidal”

Continue reading “Another complicated suicide”

“This is me; getting out”: Doing what’s best for me when I need to

Martha MF Jones

I started watching Doctor Who with Christopher Eccelston as the 9th Doctor. His companion was Rose Tyler, who stayed the companion when David Tennant took over as the 10th Doctor. When David Tennant was the Doctor, his second companion was Martha Jones. Throughout the entire season with Martha, I wasn’t sure how to feel about her. Sure, she was cool. But she just wasn’t Rose. That is, until Martha’s very last episode.

Continue reading ““This is me; getting out”: Doing what’s best for me when I need to”

Shape

This is a little a little weird to say but…I’ve been looking through photos of me on Facebook over the past few hours and I’ve noticed something.

I like my face better now that I’ve gained weight than when I was thin.

I mean, I think there was a point where I weighed a bit less than I do now, but still substantially more than before I gained all this weight where I liked my face the best, but right now, it’s still good.

It’s softer, rounder obviously. But it feels more feminine, and more adult. Less like a kid playing at being an adult. Maybe that’s because I associate being thin with being younger, but I graduated from undergrad at that same old weight, and I just feel like I look like a kid in those pictures.

I hate my body so much more than I used to. But my face, at least, I can look in the mirror and almost say it looks pretty, depending on the day. So that, I think, is an improvement.

Here are two photos of me, from a photoshoot I did when I was in undergrad and weighed 133 pounds, and from a photoshoot I did a few months ago, weighing significantly more.

 

I think I’m even wearing the same lipstick in each of the pictures. I mean, I look great in the first photo, though it’s not 100% the best shot for the shape of my face, and pretty good in the second photo, but I’m happier with the shape of my face now – if still upset about my neck and chin being all fat and gross looking.

So I don’t know how to feel about this. I want to lose weight…like, a lot of weight. But I don’t want to be as thin as I was. So it’s something I’m trying to figure out.

Yuri!!! On Ice Saved My Life

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Okay, so saying “Yuri!!! On Ice” saved my life may be a little dramatic, a little hyberbolic, but in other ways, it’s completely true.

If you read my post Taking a nosedive into negative territory you’ll know that I’ve…not been doing so well these past few months. I’m doing a lot better now, part of that is because I’ve taken the time to get treatment, but I’m 100% certain that if I did not have Yuri!!! On Ice, I would have fallen farther, much faster, and possibly hurt myself worse in the process. For most of those months, even when I was hanging out with friends and doing other things that normally made me happy, there was always pain-sad-loneliness in the back of my mind, threatening to take over. The only thing that made me truly happy was interacting with Yuri!!! On Ice media – mostly reading fanfiction and searching for fanart, having already watched the series. Continue reading “Yuri!!! On Ice Saved My Life”

But Today I’m Fine Without You

Three posts in a week? Wow! I’m proud of myself.

Unfortunately, this is yet another post about my ex.

I’m sure you’re all wondering, “When the fuck is she going to get over this dude and stop writing about him? It’s been three years!”

And you know what? I feel the same way. That’s why I’m writing this post.

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I have a problem. I feel like I’m over him – I consciously don’t want to get back together with him, I don’t think I’m in love with him, and I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. I barely want a friendship with him anymore if I’m honest, but he’s friends with all my friends and that’s impossible to cut out. And there’s still a (large?) part of me that doesn’t want to cut him out anyway.

But I’m dwelling on him again. Probably because he has a new girlfriend. And I’m not jealous, at least not in the way you might think. I’m not jealous of her or of him, but I’m jealous of THEM. That is to say, I am jealous that they are in a relationship, and I am still single.

I do have a bit of a problem with them hanging all over each other when we  are hanging out (in a group – I would never hang out with the two of them on my own). I mean, I know he’s very touchy-feely, and I’m not going to ask them to stop because it’s their prerogative, but it makes me uncomfortable. It reminds me of when he and I were like that, and it reminds me that I have no one to be touchy-feely with, because I am also very touchy-feely.

I went on a date last Saturday night. This was my first date since I had found out he had a new girlfriend several weeks ago, but before we were hanging out and they were all over each other. (I had met his new girlfriend before though, she is very nice. And I am honestly happy for them underneath it all. But I’m also still hurting.) And the guy was really nice and really cute. But I wasn’t really enthusiastic about the date. I had fun and laughed a lot, but just, he kept saying things like he didn’t like going out, he didn’t like vegetables, he didn’t like this band or that band, he didn’t like Ryan Reynolds, he just didn’t like a lot of stuff. And it felt really negative. So I don’t think I want that sort of negativity in my life. So I haven’t texted him since. And he hasn’t texted me either, so he probably didn’t really feel a connection with me either.

I’m so scared I’m going to be alone forever. I’m not going to just jump into a relationship with the first person who wants to be in one with me, but I also don’t want to be alone forever. Especially because I feel like I’m pulling apart from my friends. In some ways it’s a natural drift due to time and adulthood, but I’m also anxious and depressed, so I’m also afraid that they just hate me. So I’m feeling very lonely platonically and lonely romantically, so that really sucks. I’m having a hard time being alone. I feel as if my emotional needs are not being met. I feel clingy. I never used to be like this. I was a true introvert. And now? Well, I’m not an extrovert by any means. But I really need people. And I don’t know if I have them.

And to top it all off, probably because I’m ruminating about this whole thing, I’m dreaming about my ex again. And not in a “I’m having a dream that includes my friends” sort of way, which has also been happening. But in a “I had a dream last night that I texted him ‘I still love you'” which really upsets me. Is my subconscious trying to tell me that I still love him? I don’t know and I really hope not. Because he certainly still doesn’t love me. And I don’t want to love him.

So I’m sick of this. I’m sick of being so needy. I’m sick of being so lonely. And I’m sick of my ex. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. But I have to. And that’s life. So I’m just going to complain about it here on my blog, and hopefully be able to move on.\

Any dating tips, readers?

Words Hurt: A Performative Photo Project

Whether or not you hear these words from other people or from yourself, they tear you down and you fall apart. These are my words.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words have the power to emotionally scar and cripple me.

Take a moment today to think about the words you use – for yourself and for others. If you need to: change them. It might be a long process. But change them for your own good.IMG_20180104_120107IMG_20180104_120121IMG_20180104_120133IMG_20180104_120143