Good Body Days and Bad Body Days

I have a weight problem. That is not something that is debatable. Caused by genetics, medication, and a sedentary lifestyle, among other things probably, I’m having a hard time losing weight. I want to lose weight for my health and I want to lose weight for my appearance and self-esteem. I’ve talked about all this before.

But something I’ve been noticing recently is that I’m having more Good Body Days, where I appreciate myself, than I used to. I still have a majority of Bad Body Days, where I hate my body and myself, but it’s great to actually feel good sometimes.

For example, I wrote the post Shape about liking the shape of my face, and it’s true! Sometimes I even look at my face and think, “I look pretty today.”

On the other hand, today I saw myself in my full length mirror when I was getting dressed and literally said aloud, “My body is disgusting”

But then, just yesterday, when I was changing into pajamas, I saw myself and I thought, “Man, my boobs are awesome.”

So it depends on the day. There are some bits I will probably always hate, like my stomach, chin, and neck, other parts that will change, like some days I love my thick thighs, other days I think they’re just fat.


It’s important to be healthy – and I’m working on that part. But it’s also important to love yourself. Every body is a good body.


“This is me; getting out”: Doing what’s best for me when I need to

Martha MF Jones

I started watching Doctor Who with Christopher Eccelston as the 9th Doctor. His companion was Rose Tyler, who stayed the companion when David Tennant took over as the 10th Doctor. When David Tennant was the Doctor, his second companion was Martha Jones. Throughout the entire season with Martha, I wasn’t sure how to feel about her. Sure, she was cool. But she just wasn’t Rose. That is, until Martha’s very last episode.

Continue reading ““This is me; getting out”: Doing what’s best for me when I need to”


This is a little a little weird to say but…I’ve been looking through photos of me on Facebook over the past few hours and I’ve noticed something.

I like my face better now that I’ve gained weight than when I was thin.

I mean, I think there was a point where I weighed a bit less than I do now, but still substantially more than before I gained all this weight where I liked my face the best, but right now, it’s still good.

It’s softer, rounder obviously. But it feels more feminine, and more adult. Less like a kid playing at being an adult. Maybe that’s because I associate being thin with being younger, but I graduated from undergrad at that same old weight, and I just feel like I look like a kid in those pictures.

I hate my body so much more than I used to. But my face, at least, I can look in the mirror and almost say it looks pretty, depending on the day. So that, I think, is an improvement.

Here are two photos of me, from a photoshoot I did when I was in undergrad and weighed 133 pounds, and from a photoshoot I did a few months ago, weighing significantly more.


I think I’m even wearing the same lipstick in each of the pictures. I mean, I look great in the first photo, though it’s not 100% the best shot for the shape of my face, and pretty good in the second photo, but I’m happier with the shape of my face now – if still upset about my neck and chin being all fat and gross looking.

So I don’t know how to feel about this. I want to lose weight…like, a lot of weight. But I don’t want to be as thin as I was. So it’s something I’m trying to figure out.

Yuri!!! On Ice Saved My Life


Okay, so saying “Yuri!!! On Ice” saved my life may be a little dramatic, a little hyberbolic, but in other ways, it’s completely true.

If you read my post Taking a nosedive into negative territory you’ll know that I’ve…not been doing so well these past few months. I’m doing a lot better now, part of that is because I’ve taken the time to get treatment, but I’m 100% certain that if I did not have Yuri!!! On Ice, I would have fallen farther, much faster, and possibly hurt myself worse in the process. For most of those months, even when I was hanging out with friends and doing other things that normally made me happy, there was always pain-sad-loneliness in the back of my mind, threatening to take over. The only thing that made me truly happy was interacting with Yuri!!! On Ice media – mostly reading fanfiction and searching for fanart, having already watched the series. Continue reading “Yuri!!! On Ice Saved My Life”

Friendship? Not anymore

Just a short while after my last post about my ex I have come to an important conclusion. (You may be sick of reading about him. I’m sick of writing about him, but this is important)

I don’t want to be friends with him anymore. I don’t even like him anymore, platonically. It’s been a while since I’ve liked him romantically, but I am just so over everything.

I feel like this conclusion was a long time coming. Three years after the breakup, I’m finally at a place in my healing where I don’t want him in my life.


Continue reading “Friendship? Not anymore”