Hey all! Long time no blog. I just…haven’t had much to say recently. Or at least nothing new. I mean, I got a job in my field, and I’ve been working. The semester ended well. I’m doing pretty well in general so I haven’t had too much to update there. There has been plenty to talk about if I wanted to do a Current Events Corner – but I never felt I had anything to contribute that hadn’t already been said by someone else. And my personal life has had its ups and downs, but it’s mostly the same stuff that I’ve talked about in previous blog posts. I’ve been particularly feeling what I wrote in my last blog post – the one about Affection and Shadows and true selves and friendship. I’ve been feeling lonely still. Feeling like my friends have abandoned me. But then I think of my friends who /haven’t/ abandoned me, and although I may not be as close to them as I once was, we’re still close, and they still love me and I love them.
One instance recently that bothered me was pretty stupid. A couple of my friends had gone out somewhere and posted a picture of it on Instagram. Now, normally that wouldn’t bother me – people have lives and the right to go out and do things and I don’t have to be involved. What bothered me was that they invited my ex, and not me. And I always considered myself closer to these friends than my ex was to them, so seeing the picture with my ex in it and them all having fun, I just wondered, “Why did they invite him and not me? Do they like him better than me?” and all sorts of fun spiraling nonsense. And like I’ve said before, my ex and I are still friends, but there is a lot of heartbreak and baggage there. So when I see him hang out with the people who are our mutual friends – but who I know were closer to me before we dated – it hurts me, even though it’s stupid, and my brain says to me that they chose him over me and that they will continue to choose him over me. It puts up that stupid scenario that if both of us were drowning, and they could only save one of us, they would pick him, and let me drown. Of course, that’s a stupid scenario that actually makes no sense. But my brain also provides the scenario that if I happened to go to the hospital again, no one would visit me, and I would be alone. So I was actually having a great day before I saw that photo, and then suddenly I was having a shitty one. I crawled into bed and cried. I hate the power that other people have over me. But after falling asleep from crying and exhaustion, I got a text from a different friend inviting me to dinner. And that reminded me that I do have friends who care about me, people who think about me and want to hang out with me and do things. And that made me feel better.
So this has already gotten longer than I intended it to be. I’m going to make another post today or tomorrow about online dating, which is the other big thing that has been going on in my life recently.