I wish I had a Valentine this year.
I mean, I know it’s stupid. But I’m really lonely.
I’ve only had a Valentine twice in my life – and that was because I happened to be dating someone in February. My first boyfriend bought me a carnation and a pizza. My most recent boyfriend bought me Italian takeout and I fell asleep trying to watch the new (not new anymore) Spiderman movie with Andrew Garfield. It wasn’t even a big deal on either occasion.
I didn’t care last year, I’ve never actually cared before.
But this year I really wish I had a valentine. I want someone to cuddle with and fall asleep next to. I want someone to kiss me and tell me everything will be okay. I want someone to love and to love me. I want not to be lonely.
And I mean. I’ve been on a couple of dates recently. But nothing with anyone that has led to a second date.
I’ve never been on a second date.
I had a conversation with a friend a couple of months ago who said she was worried about me dating or trying to date, because she thought I wasn’t comfortable enough with myself and I needed to love myself before I could love anyone else. And that really hurt to hear. I don’t know.
It just sucks sitting here feeling like no one will ever love me. It’s not like anyone ever has. I mean, I know my family loves me, and my friends probably do, and I know my ex said he loved me so maybe he did at one point…but I don’t know.
I’m just selfish, I guess.
But I wish I had a Valentine this year.