2016 was a weird year. It felt like it was a terrible year for the rest of the world, but I was finally starting to get my shit together after the worst two years of my personal life.
I started my Selfies for Self Esteem Daily Challenge 299 days ago. In March it’ll be a year, and I think that’s when I’ll end it. This is basically the only consistent thing I’ve done all year. Has it worked? Has my self esteem improved? Absolutely not. But then again, I’ve gained even more weight since starting the project, and when your body is worth hating, there’s very little “good self esteem” can do about it. So I hate my body and I hate the way I look. Why am I continuing the project? Because it’s a fun daily diary, and it’s nice to have a lot of selfies, even if I hate it. I don’t know. I want my old body back – before I started gaining ridiculous amounts of weight. Even though I hated my body back then too, I would be so happy with it now. I don’t know what to do. I’m just fat and out of shape. I’m going to try a medical diet/exercise program or something, I don’t know exactly what it is, but it should help me. I hope.
I worked for four months straight this summer, which may not seem like a lot, but it’s the longest I’ve consecutively worked a 9-5 job in, well, ever. And I was only able to do that because I’m in the process of healing.
I also started attending grad school in September – I have class three days a week and work a 9-5 internship two days a week, and it’s really stressful. But also really rewarding. I’ve finished one semester there, and I’m looking forward to the future.
For the first time in a long time, I am actually looking forward to the future. I can’t say I can imagine it, because it’s really hard to put myself in a place I never thought I’d be, but now I know that I’ll be there.
As for my broken heart…it’s healing, slowly. I still have some form of feelings for my ex, but I’m 90% sure that that’s just desire for what was and what we had, rather than actual desire for him. I still miss him in some ways, and I’m still affection starved and lonely as fuck. But I can deal with it most of the time. At least during the day. At night there are lots of days where I still cry because no one loves me and no one will ever love me because I’m terrible and fat and ugly and no one will ever be attracted to me and how am I supposed to even meet people if no one will give me a chance because I’m not pretty?
Do you know how messed up it is to feel bad about yourself because you’re not harassed on the street? That’s really messed up. Yet I can’t help it sometimes. It hurts that I’m not pretty enough or girly enough or whatever for men to call out to me. It’s really stupid, and really dangerous to desire that. And I don’t /desire/ it, I just wish I was a normal girl sometimes. With all that that entails. I don’t know. It’s really messed up.
I went on a date last week though, and it went really well. I might actually go on a second date with this person, which is cool. I’ve never been on a second date before (regarding my random dating, not my exes. Though my first ex and I only actually went on one “date” – the rest of the time we just hung out and watched Family Guy. I don’t even like Family Guy. It was not a good time. And my most recent ex, the big one, we went on dates all the time. But only after we were a couple, we didn’t do the dating-getting-to-know-one-another thing. So this will be my first second date.)
One of my friends said she’s worried about me and my happiness relying too much on other people. She thinks I shouldn’t be going out with anyone until I learn to be happy by myself. And I’m working on it. But at the same time, I don’t want to be by myself right now. But I’m also not going to date someone just for the sake of dating someone. If I wanted to do that, I could have been dating someone already – one of the myriad of first dates I’ve had over the past year. But I’m not. Because I want a connection, not just someone to date. So we’ll see what happens.
I don’t really know how to be happy by myself. I’ve never been happy by myself before. As far back as I can remember emotions, I’ve been depressed. So now that I’m working on my depression, I’m working on being happy, and what that means to me. I don’t really know what that means to me, but I’m going to find out.
And with all that said…it feels like the world is going to shit around me. Incredible amounts of bigotry, racism, sexism, Islamophobia, Antisemitism, you name it. All of it has been happening for forever, but it’s become more blatant and more “accepted” by the general public. People don’t seem to care that the President-Elect is a bigoted, facist, asshole who is not only not condemning hate crimes done in his name, but is implicitly condoning them with his speech and actions. Then there was Brexit, which I don’t know as much about, but which also led to terrible racism in the UK.
I don’t really know. 2016 was a rough year. Hopefully things will be better in 2017. Hopefully nothing terrible will happen in these last few days of 2016.
What else is there to say?