Has it really only been two years? It feels like an eternity, another lifetime ago. I really don’t know what to make of this.
I miss you. I hate it but I miss you so much. It’s like…I read this line in a fanfiction that basically went, “Every time I see him I forget about how much he hurt me and just think of how much I miss him” and that’s how I feel. And it sucks. It really sucks.
You nearly killed me. Very literally were nearly the reason I killed myself. Well, not the only reason. You didn’t cause my depression. You didn’t make me feel suicidal in the first place. I was already all those things. You dumping me BECAUSE of my depression was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. If you, who claimed you loved me, couldn’t handle it, how could I expect anyone else to? How could I ever expect anyone to love me or care about me? I couldn’t take it. I went to the hospital. And I guess that’s unfair to put that on you. But you were the trigger.
You know what I always resented about that? Wanting to kill myself over a boy. I wanted to kill myself for other reasons too but it seemed so stupid to me that the thing that broke me was being dumped.
It took me a year and a half to even begin to be functional again. I know I was heading down that path anyway – I was barely functional the end of the time we were together – so that’s not your fault. But losing you made me feel like I had lost everything that was keeping me together. So it took me a long time to become functional. And that was with medication, therapy, and two more trips to the hospital. Those parts of the last two years are a complete blur. I can barely remember them.
We’re friends again now. And everything’s like it used to be, before we dated, except it’s not. And that’s fine 90% of the time. But the other 10% of the time I’m really, really not okay.
90% of the time I can handle the way you move and talk, the casual discussions, the video games, the activities. 90% of the time we can be friends, and I’m happy with that. But 10% of the time I miss you and I hate you. And I hate me.
I get jealous still of you cuddling (platonically!) with other people. I know it’s platonic and you’re a naturally affectionate person, but I miss having that affection directed at me. So I get jealous.
I get uncomfortable when you take off your shirt, because I am still so attracted to you it’s not even funny. And I know there’s no way you’re even remotely attracted to me anymore because I gained so much weight and I also have no idea why you were attracted to me in the first place.
I dream about you still, you know? And most of the time it’s just about us cuddling, and kissing, and sweet, domestic things. That’s what I miss the most.
I don’t know how you think about me, and that drives me crazy. I don’t know if you miss me, if you think about me as much as I think about you.
I don’t know if I want to get back together. Everyone I talk to tells me that’s a bad idea, including part of my brain. You hurt me, and I’d always be afraid that you would hurt me again, in the same way, for the same reasons. You have your own issues, you’re not a good partner for me. I don’t know.
But I’m vulnerable and lonely. You were my rock and now I’m swept down the river. You were my best friend. I know I was never yours, and maybe that’s also part of why it didn’t work out. But I loved you like I had never loved anybody before and maybe never will again.
You told me that I could survive without you. I lived without you for so many years before, I could handle doing it after. But I can’t. And I’m afraid. I don’t want to lose what we have now, the tentative friendship that works 90% of the time. I can’t cut you out of my life like I could have when we first broke up, because we’ve reintegrated into our friend group, and I’m not sure I could avoid seeing you, or hearing about you…not that I want to. I want you in my life.
But I’d rather erase the year we had together and go back to just having an awkward, unfulfilled crush than go through the heartbreak that I went through. Nothing can ever be the same. And I don’t want it to be the same. But I want it to be better than it is.
I want to cuddle. I want to kiss. I want to have a life together. But at the same time I can’t trust you, I don’t trust you, and I hurt so much whenever I think about you. And by trust you I mean trust you with my heart. I do trust you as a friend, mostly. I just can’t trust you with my feelings.Which maybe means we’re not great friends, but I can’t trust any of my friends with my feelings right now, which really hurts, but is a subject for another time.
I want you to talk to me when you’re down, and be able to talk to you when I’m down without being afraid of rejection. I want to cuddle platonically and not feel awkward about it. I want to not be jealous of the affection you give to others that you no longer give to me. I want to be your best friend, even though I never was. (I want to have a best friend and not be afraid of rejection, which is again, another subject for another time).
I want you to want me. I want you to look at me and think “Man, I fucked up” Because you certainly fucked me up real badly, and I want to know that you’re in some ways as messed up about it as I am.
I want a lot of things. A lot of contradictory things. And I would accept either end of the spectrum at this point – the normal friendship side or the relationship side. But I can’t keep doing what’s happening now. I can’t keep pretending everything is okay when it’s not.
This isn’t even exactly what I wanted to say. I don’t know what I wanted to say.
I just…don’t know how to act around you right now. I’m trying for normal and I think I’m succeeding but I’m really, really conscious of how I’m acting. Even when things are cool.
I’m also not sure if I miss you or I just miss the idea of you. Miss what we had. I know I miss being in a relationship and having companionship and love and affection. But I don’t know if that needs to be with you or if I can meet someone new. I know I do miss you, but I don’t know if I MISS you. I don’t know if that even makes sense.
I don’t know how to meet someone new.
I definitely know that something’s gotta give, because I can’t keep going on seeing you cuddle all my friends out of the corner of my eye, being unsure whether or not I can hug you goodbye at the end of a hangout when I hug most everybody else. If we talk about one thing we need to talk about this. I know it’s selfish but I want and need affection too. Even if it’s platonic.
Am I emotionally manipulative? I just want to be able to express my feelings and feel better because of them. A lot of my feelings involve you, for better or for worse. I know I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do, and I don’t want to force you to do anything in the first place.
But I want to talk. I want to finally settle if we could ever get back together. I don’t know what I want that answer to be – parts of me want it to be yes, parts of me want it to be no. But our relationship, once again, needs to change.
I’m selfish. I know. That much is clear from this letter. But I want to be there for you, and I want you to be there for me. I can’t keep loving you if you can never love me back. And maybe you’ve already told me you can’t. Maybe you’ve already told me that you don’t want to get back together, and I just didn’t understand. But from what I remember you told me last time we talked about it that you “didn’t think it was a good idea at this point in time” Therefore, now that it’s a different point in time and I’m more stable, I want to figure out whether or not it will ever be a possibility, so I can accept the answer and move on.
I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person. I’m sorry that I keep coming back to this, coming back to us, if that’s not what you want. I’m sorry.
I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry. I just don’t know anything right now. But I’m tired and I’m lonely.
“I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, my weakness is that I care too much. And my scars remind me that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to feel” – Papa Roach, “Scars”
And that’s just how I feel.
I hope you can talk to me. I hope you can forgive me. I hope I can forgive you and that we can figure something out.
All my love,
PS – I am okay. None of this is saying that I’m not okay. I’m content to be most of the time, including when I’m with you. I’m stable. I’m fine. I’m just confused, and maybe unwilling to accept the past. I’m trying to do what it takes to move on. And that includes this letter, wherein I detail all the negative things.