I’ve written before about my depression/anti-depressants causing me to gain weight. It’s affecting both my health and self esteem very negatively. I feel awful about my body. I go to bed at night and my brain calls attention to the fact that I just saw my body when I was undressing and it looked horrible. It just tells me I’m fat and disgusting, that no one will


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ever love me because of my looks. That there’s nothing I can do about making myself look better. (I know there’s diet and exercise, and I should work harder on that, but my brain tells me no matter what I do I won’t look good, I won’t feel good, I’ll be fat forever). Now, I also feel bad using the word “fat” because I was quite skinny for a very long time, and I still hated my body back then. But what I wouldn’t give to have that body back. I weighed 136 pounds from high school all the way through college. I didn’t gain a “freshman 15” or anything. Then I started being incredibly sedentary because of my depression, and my anti-depressants all have weight gain as a side effect. Now I weigh 196 pounds. I gained 60 pounds. It’s awful. But I feel like I can’t call myself fat. Is that fat? What does being fat even mean? Maybe I’m not “fat,” maybe I am.

What being nearly 200 pounds means for me is that I’m a size 16 when I used to be a size


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8-10. It means I can’t look in the mirror without hating myself. It means there are very few cute clothes that I can wear. It means that when I walked into the costume shop today and tried on an XL Harley Quinn costume, it still didn’t fit. The average dress size for a woman in America is a 14. When the “average” size is a large, or the biggest size that most stores carry, we have a problem. And it’s not just a weight problem.

There are plenty of women who are healthfully a size 14, and yet they can’t find clothing that fits them in regular stores. (I am not one of those women). Certainly America has an obesity problem, but that’s not the only factor at work here. Clothing companies should cater to the real women who are actually going to wear their clothes – and sizing them at a size 14 when they’re average – a large, when hypothetically, it makes sense for that size to be a medium – just makes everyone feel bad about themselves all the time. My experience this afternoon was looking at an XL costume, going “this has to fit” and then being unable to zip it up. And now I hate myself. So great going clothing industry. Thanks for that.

It’s really /hard/ to lose weight. And while I am complaining a little bit, I’m not just whining for the sake of whining here. It requires a lot to lose weight, and so little to gain it back. It makes me feel hopeless and miserable.

This is what I look like. Maybe I don’t look fat to you, maybe I do. My BMI states that I’m obese. I know BMI is pretty much bullshit, but still. Recommended weight for my height is 126-165 pounds, according to familyeducation.com, I’m not sure how reliable a source that is, but whatever right now.

The other problem for me is I don’t know /how/ to exercise and eat better. I need help. But I can’t afford a weight loss program, gym membership, personal trainer, or nutritionist. I shouldn’t need those things, but I really, really need help.

I don’t know what to do. I’m miserable about this and I don’t know what to do.



5 thoughts on “Fat

  1. I know how you feel. I hate the way I look and can’t look at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t in any way do anything as brave as you and put myself out there like that. I’d be totally embarrassed with my moobs. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with the way you look either. In fact, it’s quite attractive actually. But whatever makes you happy is what is important. And depression sucks. I hate it.


  2. That’s what sucks about life. People judge you from the outside more than they judge you from the inside. But, you have to show them that they missed out on a wonderful friend (or even more ;))


  3. It is so hard for us to see our beauty because the media bombards us with images of a “standard of beauty” that is unattainable…that is why women wear make-up, straighten our hair, and go above and beyond to look a certain way, because we want to look like the airbrushed & edited photos we see every day. It is so difficult to love yourself when you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. My advice is take it a day at a time and just do the little things to become healthier. If you can, surround yourself with the people that love you the most. That always makes me feel better, and get rid of those who don’t! Very honest and realistic post that every woman can relate to. Thanks for sharing!


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