I’ve written before about my depression/anti-depressants causing me to gain weight. It’s affecting both my health and self esteem very negatively. I feel awful about my body. I go to bed at night and my brain calls attention to the fact that I just saw my body when I was undressing and it looked horrible. It just tells me I’m fat and disgusting, that no one will
ever love me because of my looks. That there’s nothing I can do about making myself look better. (I know there’s diet and exercise, and I should work harder on that, but my brain tells me no matter what I do I won’t look good, I won’t feel good, I’ll be fat forever). Now, I also feel bad using the word “fat” because I was quite skinny for a very long time, and I still hated my body back then. But what I wouldn’t give to have that body back. I weighed 136 pounds from high school all the way through college. I didn’t gain a “freshman 15” or anything. Then I started being incredibly sedentary because of my depression, and my anti-depressants all have weight gain as a side effect. Now I weigh 196 pounds. I gained 60 pounds. It’s awful. But I feel like I can’t call myself fat. Is that fat? What does being fat even mean? Maybe I’m not “fat,” maybe I am.
Today I am another year older. It’s not a particularly significant birthday, and I don’t feel any different.It’s not like at this point in my life I feel like I should feel different every birthday, but it’s been a rough couple of years and I thought that, since I’m feeling better this year for the first time in a long time, /something/ would feel different. (Wow, that’s a lot of feelings). I guess I just want to reflect on some things. I don’t know if any of this will be new, but they’re things I’ve been thinking about lately.
FIRST: SELF-ESTEEM. I’ve been doing the selfies for self esteem thing for over 200 days now, and I’m thinking I’m going to finish out the year and then stop. Is it working? Sometimes! But I like taking daily pictures of myself regardless of whether or not it is working. I’ve attached a couple of recent selfies to this post to show you an update.
Generally, I’m feeling pretty good. Except when I’m lying in bed at night and my brain tells me how fat and ugly I am, and how no one will ever want me. It comes with undressing for the evening and putting on my pajamas. I have to look at my body and it sucks. It sucks hard. I shouldn’t judge myself based on whether or not someone would “want me” – and I’m not really doing that. That’s just sort of the end result. I don’t really know. My appearance based self-esteem is mostly the same, if not sometimes worse, or sometimes better, then it was before. So I guess it averages out to the same place. My self-esteem with regards to other things is relatively high; however. It feels good to generally be confident in myself as a person, with only occasional days where I feel like I’m letting myself down. This is a marked improvement over where I was last year.
SECOND: MY FRIENDS. I’ve written several times recently about feeling disconnected and upset with my friends, like I’m not included or something. And lately I’ve been feeling better about it. There’s still a few friends I’m having trouble connecting with, but other friends I’ve gotten closer to. So maybe it’s just those few friends who are causing “the problem.” I can hang out with them regardless, and still feel okay, but that’s just it, I feel okay. Hanging out with other friends feels great. I don’t want to cut them out of my life, and I don’t think I need to, but I need to stop thinking about them in that close way that I used to – because they clearly don’t feel as close to me/we actually aren’t as close anymore. Compared to last year, I feel like I’m worse off in the friends department because I’ve been having such struggles with feeling left out and disconnection. Even if the end result is I have the same amount of friends, or even more friends than I previously did, I still feel bad about it. So that kinda sucks. But it’s not a terrible thing overall, as I’m working on it, I still have friends who I like to hang out with, and everything is, all in all, okay.
THIRD: MY LOVE LIFE/MY EX. I’m including these in the same category because they’re related. My love life…isn’t going too well. I’ve stopped using OKCupid because I wasn’t connecting with anyone on there, it felt like people were really looking for short term hookup-y things, whereas I’m looking for a relationship. I don’t know. I went on a lot of dates, and some of them were okay, but there was no spark or desire with any of them. Maybe I’m not supposed to feel a spark or desire on a first date. I don’t know. What I do know is I’m having a mental block about my ex again. I’ve been missing him a lot lately. I want someone to hold me, and I’m lonely. So I don’t know how much of it is missing him specifically and how much is missing the idea of him/wanting to be in a relationship. It’s okay 90% of the time, but then there’s the 10% of the time where it’s not okay, and I miss him desperately, and I want to be with him, and yada yada yada. But there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m afraid that it’s keeping me from finding a fulfilling relationship elsewhere/with someone else. I have had crushes since him, and I sort of have a pre-crush on this girl right now, but that might not turn into an actual crush. The last pre-crush I had didn’t turn into an actual crush, though I still think that guy is attractive, but it might cause complications if I do anything with it. Plus I doubt that guy is interested in me anyway. I’m pretty sure I’m not his type. And I’m also pretty sure this girl I have a pre-crush on right now is straight. I have a terrible gaydar. I’m thinking of trying match.com – because I heard good things about that site – but you have to pay for it and I’m not sure I can commit to that. Regardless, I’m in a better place mentally than I was last year regarding my love life and my ex, that’s for sure, but it definitely doesn’t feel like it some days…especially when I’m all hung up on my ex.
FOURTH: DEPRESSION. I am so much better it’s not even funny. I’ve had my bad days this last year, even been suicidal still, but for the most part I’m good. Like, I don’t know if I would say I’m /happy/ but my brain has stopped trying to kill me, so I’m totally cool with that. I’m in school now, I have an internship, I’m functioning for the most part even though I’m still trying hard to break some of the habits I fell into while seriously depressed (like maintaining a clean house and cooking dinner…I don’t do those things often enough).
My other problem here is that I’m having a hard time remembering exactly what has happened between last October and today. I remember general feelings, and that’s what the above indicates. But I can’t remember much more than that. I’ve been having long term memory problems like that recently. Or maybe that’s a normal thing. I don’t know.
In any event, 2016 has been a much better year than anything that came before.