Promises/Lies

You used to be
the one I would turn to
the one who would hold me
who would comfort me
while I cried.
But when your promises turned to lies
you left me here
and now I hold myself
as I cry alone in the dark

I’ll always be here / I won’t be here a year from now, a month from now, next week
We’ll get through this together / You’ll have to fight alone
I love you / But not enough

You used to be
my rock, my best friend
when everyone and everything was against me;
even when I was against myself
you were in my corner
cheering me on
helping me up
But when your promises turned to lies
my corner was empty
and when I turned against myself
there was no one to call me back

I’ll always be here / I won’t be here a year from now, a month from now, next week
We’ll get through this together / You’ll have to fight alone
I love you / But not enough

Any time you said “we”
I felt so safe, so secure
Any time you held me
I knew it would be okay
But when your promises turned to lies
when you left me behind
you left me broken and afraid
and very much alone

I’ll always be here / I won’t be here a year from now, a month from now, next week
We’ll get through this together / You’ll have to fight alone
I love you / But not enough
I love you / But not enough

I thought I was over this, I really did. Last week’s poem was more an exercise of memory and the general feelings surrounding a breakup. It didn’t make me cry, but it was something I had been thinking about for a long time, not a sudden burst of inspiration derived from sadness.

Last night was the first night I spiraled into despair in a long time. It started off because I felt empty after hanging out with my friends. I tried so hard to connect, but I still felt disconnected and empty. There was nothing satisfying about the hang-out. I had had fun though! I laughed and played games, interacted and it was almost normal. But there was still something wrong.

So the next thing I did was message my ex because he was online. Background here – I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but in spite of the absolutely horrible and devastating breakup, my ex and I are friends again. He was included in the group of people I was hanging out with yesterday. I messaged him because I wanted to ask him, as an outside opinion, if I seemed off or disconnected, or if something seemed off with the group, or what have you. He said he didn’t really notice me being off or disconnected, but the hangout felt dissatisfying to him too. I sent him another message saying how I wasn’t sure if it was just me, or if there was something different going on, but I felt really lonely and disconnected, and basically vented in about a paragraph about as long as this one is. But he didn’t message me again after that.

Add this in combination with the fact that I had been skyping with a guy from OKCupid, who had to leave but said he’d be back in two minutes, and then never came back – it left me feeling very abandoned.

That got me thinking about all the promises my ex made to me when we were together about how he’d always be there for me and he’d help me get through my difficulties, even after we broke up he promised he’d be there for me, just not quite in the same way. But he’s not. I won’t call him every time I’m having a breakdown, or even most times. Heck, I won’t call him at all, I’ll just send him a message on skype if he happens to be online at the time I happen to need somebody. I don’t want to bother him most of the time, I don’t want to bother anybody. But I used to confide everything to him – he knows me, so I feel like on the rare times I need to reach out to somebody, he’s still the person I consider. I usually talk myself out of it, but last night I really needed somebody. The combination of the feeling of loneliness caused by my friends, and the guy who never called me back on skype was just making me feel incredibly unlovable and lonely. And when my ex didn’t respond, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I started bawling. I kept thinking “He promised he’d be there for me, but he’s not. No one is.” And that’s where the above poem/song came from. I had no one to call. I didn’t want to bother anyone, first of all, especially considering I had just come back from hanging out with a bunch of friends, I couldn’t contact any of them because they wouldn’t understand why I was so lonely. Not to mention I felt disconnected enough from them already – there was no way I could reach out. The only people I could reach out to were my parents and that just made me feel lonelier.

I kept crying. I was so lonely, and I felt so unloved. I felt like no one would ever love me again, and maybe no one ever did. Except my parents, but again, they don’t count in this situation. I need affection, and I don’t have it, and there’s no way for me to get it. I crawled in bed, even though it was only 7:30 at night. I started thinking of killing myself again. That’s the first time that’s happened in a long while. I thought, “If no one loves me anyway, it won’t matter at all if I’m dead” I tried to look up the lethal dosage of one of my medications, before determining I didn’t have enough pills. I wondered if I could hang myself from my ceiling fan, but determined it wasn’t really possible with the resources I had easily available, and I wanted something easy.

I cried myself to sleep.

This morning I woke up feeling blah, but no longer suicidal.

I think it’s important to clarify, in case it was unclear – I wasn’t feeling suicidal because of my ex. He was not the cause. He was one of the contributing factors in me feeling unloved, but so were the rest of my friends, and this practical stranger from OKCupid. It was my depression that made me feel suicidal, and the fact that I felt unloved was the trigger.

I don’t really know what to do here. I don’t have a solution. I’m still left without anyone to reach out to, and without any affection.

I’m really alone.

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5 thoughts on “Promises/Lies

  1. This all stems from the lack of love you have for yourself. I’m sorry your going through that but you have to understand you have the power to turn that suicidal switch off. Please watch this video . I hope it helps.

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  2. Hey there!Just wanted to tell you this one thing,you got to hang in there !if not for anybody else atleast for your parents sake!They didnt struggle to bring you up just to see you fade away this way!Remember how much you matter to them!look my friend it may not heal completely with time but I can assure you ,it will get better!! and most of all you are never alone or unloved as long as you keep loving yourself.So trust me start loving yourself,enjoy yourself,do what you love to do and soon things will definitely change for the better!Good luck!God bless! looking forward to reading a much happier post from you soon 🙂

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  3. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But know that we are all human. With that being said, we are all flawed. People will hurt and disappoint you because they are flawed.

    You can’t put that pressure on others where they are your source of happiness and sorrow. That’s a lot to put on someone else’s shoulders. I would strongly recommend you start volunteering somewhere. Pour into others what you wish someone did for you. The best way to not focus on it, is by helping others.

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