One of the things I still struggle with frequently is the feeling of being left out of things. I hear the Green Day lyric in my head, “Nobody likes you, everyone left you, they’re all off without you having fun.” Sometimes it’s true, most of the time it’s not. But in no case am I deliberately left out. It’s just sometimes I see pictures on Facebook of a bunch of my friends having fun somewhere, or hear stories of an event or hangout I wasn’t at, and I get jealous and feel sad. Why wasn’t I invited? It must be because they all actually hate me.
Now, I’m trying not to sound like I’m begrudging my friends their activities. They’re absolutely allowed to do things without me, and have lives of their own. I can’t control that, nor do I want to. But what I can control is how I react to that – and how I currently react is stomach dropping fear that they don’t want me in their lives. Especially when I see them doing things that I would want to have been invited to, if possible.
The problem is I can’t help but feel this way, because in some respects, I am being left out. Not on purpose necessarily, no one is trying to hurt me, or not include me. They just have things to do and things they want to do and lives to live that don’t always involve me. But the fact that I’m not there – especially when I spend most of my time sitting home alone, even when I do try to reach out to people and ask them to hang out – is disheartening. I don’t like being home alone.
I actually don’t know where I’m going with this post. I don’t have a hopeful comment, or a solution to this problem. I just know that I feel bad when I’m not invited to things, because it makes me feel like no one likes me, and I’m not happy being by myself – particularly on weekends. But then I feel guilty for feeling like that because I am denying my friends their right to not be with me. Nobody needs to take care of me, or be with my 24/7. I’m not a child who needs constant attention. But I am lonely. And it hurts when a bunch of people who I care about do things without me.