Feeling left out

One of the things I still struggle with frequently is the feeling of being left out of things. I hear the Green Day lyric in my head, “Nobody likes you, everyone left you, they’re all off without you having fun.” Sometimes it’s true, most of the time it’s not. But in no case am I deliberately left out. It’s just sometimes I see pictures on Facebook of a bunch of my friends having fun somewhere, or hear stories of an event or hangout I wasn’t at, and I get jealous and feel sad. Why wasn’t I invited? It must be because they all actually hate me.

Now, I’m trying not to sound like I’m begrudging my friends their activities. They’re absolutely allowed to do things without me, and have lives of their own. I can’t control that, nor do I want to. But what I can control is how I react to that – and how I currently react is stomach dropping fear that they don’t want me in their lives. Especially when I see them doing things that I would want to have been invited to, if possible.

The problem is I can’t help but feel this way, because in some respects, I am being left out. Not on purpose necessarily, no one is trying to hurt me, or not include me. They just have things to do and things they want to do and lives to live that don’t always involve me. But the fact that I’m not there – especially when I spend most of my time sitting home alone, even when I do try to reach out to people and ask them to hang out – is disheartening. I don’t like being home alone.

I actually don’t know where I’m going with this post. I don’t have a hopeful comment, or a solution to this problem. I just know that I feel bad when I’m not invited to things, because it makes me feel like no one likes me, and I’m not happy being by myself – particularly on weekends. But then I feel guilty for feeling like that because I am denying my friends their right to not be with me. Nobody needs to take care of me, or be with my 24/7. I’m not a child who needs constant attention. But I am lonely. And it hurts when a bunch of people who I care about do things without me.

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Breaking the Habit

In the midst of depression, you often develop coping habits that aren’t particularly healthy, such as binge-eating, and some that are actively harmful, such as cutting. Then, when you start to get your life back on track, you’re stuck with a bunch of harmful, unhealthy habits that you have to do extra work to break. Fixing depression isn’t just going on “happy pills” and poof! You’re done! It’s a lot of work.

The medication can certainly help, and it makes the fight easier. But you’re still fighting every day, and you’re also fighting those habits that you’ve formed. Personally, the bad habits I formed were overeating, oversleeping, and extreme retail-therapy. And now I’m struggling to break them.

I find myself constantly overeating, and binge eating. I eat extra portions of the meals I eat, and can’t control myself. Then I’ll skip meals and eat snacks, or not eat anything at all for several meals only to eat a huge amount next time I eat. I’ll eat a pint of ice cream at a time, or a whole bag of chips. Even when I eat healthy meals I eat at least double the amount that I should , two pieces of chicken, four servings of rice, a whole bag of veggies – it adds up to a lot of calories. And I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night and grabbing a snack almost every night for a couple of months now. It’s just not healthy.

To fix it, I need to start by cooking more, and not snacking or eating sweets. I don’t need to quit those cold turkey, but give myself one treat day, and have like, an ice cream cone, not a whole pint. And if I start by eating large portions of healthy meals, that’s okay. It’s step one. Break the binge-eating. Then once I get in that habit, I can work on the portion size.

Next, oversleeping. I think this one will be fixed a little better just by having more to do in my day, so when I finally get a job (hopefully within the next week or two! Which I’ve been saying for the last month but still…) I’ll have to wake up early, and go to bed at a reasonable hour. That’ll keep me from sleeping 12 hours a night and then taking a nap during the day. I just have nothing to do but apply to jobs, surf the internet, or go shopping. So I end up spending too much time sleeping, which is not good for my body. To fix it, I will need to make a schedule and stick to it, which, again, will be much easier once I have a job.

Speaking of shopping, I’m beginning to think I’m becoming a shopping addict. This is a problem two-fold because (1) I don’t need these things I’m buying, I’m just buying them because I want them, and most of them are trinkets. It’s impulsive and I can’t help myself, because it makes me feel good and (2) I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY. It’s really bad. I just see things I want and buy them – clothes are okay, because I need those and I’ve been trying really hard to stick to clothes I could also wear to work…but it’s still not great. What’s worse is when I buy Pokemon cards, or spend too much money on take-out. It depletes my bank account, makes me feel temporarily better, but worse in the long run, and just isn’t great.

I don’t know how to fix this one. There aren’t steps I can take in the same way that I can with overeating, and getting a job will either help or hurt, and I don’t know which. Help because I will have less time to be bored and unhappy and shop, but hurt because I will then actually have money to spend on things. This is the one I’m most afraid of. I don’t know how to break this habit. It’s comforting. All of the habits are, but the other two I know I can kick in the ass as something on the way to getting healthier. My friend told me today that that was like step two in recovery, first you take care of your mind and get that back on the right track, and then you go back to taking care of the rest of you. But retail-therapy doesn’t fall under those categories, and that scares me.

Habits are hard to break. Period. I remember reading somewhere that it takes only a week to break a habit, but six weeks to make one. I don’t know if that’s true. But I need to break my bad habits, and make new, good ones, and that’s a daunting task.

I’m going to start this week. I’m going to try and cook every day, and eat at least two meals. I’m going to give myself a schedule, and try to stick to it. And I won’t go shopping. I don’t know if I can do it. These habits have become deeply ingrained. But I know I have to try.

Passive and Active Suicidality

This is a blog post about suicide and being suicidal. It may be triggering for some. It’s supposed to be an informative post based on my own experience.

It’s been several months since I’ve been suicidal, but before I started sorting myself out, I was suicidal every day. Now, that doesn’t mean I wanted to kill myself every day, but I lowkey wanted to die. This is active and passive suicidality.

For me, there were three levels of suicidality – “I want to be dead,” “I want to die,” and “I want to kill myself.” Each is more severe than the last, the first is passive, the last is active, and the other is somewhere in between, though closer to passive.

“I want to be dead”
This is passive suicidality. I do not want to do anything to myself, but I wish I didn’t exist. If I could make it so I had never been born, or if I could just stop existing, that is what I would do. I don’t want to harm myself, or take myself out of life. I just don’t want to be there. I thought this was normal – that all people just had times when they didn’t want to exist anymore, and I just felt that way all the time.

“I want to die”
This is still passive suicidality, because I still do not want to kill myself. This is just wishing that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. Praying an accident would happen to me, like I would get struck by lightning, or hit by a car (but without the urge to walk into the road). The first time I remember feeling like this I was sixteen years old. I was on a field trip for biology class and I wished that the bus would get into an accident that everyone got out of with no harm done to them, except for me. I didn’t want other people hurt, I just wanted to die. I fantasized about jumping out the window of the bus into the road. Though that thought is a little more active, I never wanted to act on it.

“I want to kill myself”
This is active suicidality. This is when you sit there and think, “I’m going to walk in front of a car,” or what I most commonly thought, “I’m going to overdose on my meds” or anything like that. The thinking about it is active, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have intent. It gets really dangerous when you have intent and a plan. When you start counting pills, or saving them, like I did. When you know you just have to make it home at the end of the day and then you can end it all. That’s active suicidality, and it’s really, really scary.

For me, I was too much of a coward or too brave (depending on your point of view) to ever make a suicide attempt. But that doesn’t mean I never had intent and plan. At my worst, I was ready to kill myself.

But you can come forward from there. I’m in a place now where it’s hard to even imagine how I felt back then. Suicide is an entirely preventable illness – for the most part, you just need to get help. That sounds like a daunting task, I know. I reached out to my parents and friends, and then they were the ones to take me to the hospital. I almost never did it by myself. And if you don’t feel you can reach out to family or friends, there’s the suicide hotline and also a text line if you don’t think you can talk on the phone. I’ve even reached once reached out to a stranger over an online video game forum because I needed to talk to someone, but didn’t feel I could talk to my friends or family.

Sometimes it gets to be too much. I understand that. I was there. But you can get through it, and the world is better for having you in it.

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text “START” to 741-741