When you have anxiety and depression it’s really easy to run out of energy to do things or to deal with things. (This can happen to anybody, really, but in my experience, my anxiety and depression cause me to be unable to deal with various things). I personally like to use Spoon Theory which you can read about in the link, but to summarize means that means that everyone starts the day with a certain number of spoons, but each task costs a spoon to
do. People with chronic illnesses, be they physical, mental, invisible or visible start the day with fewer spoons than generally healthy people do. Therefore, it is easy to run out of spoons and then you don’t have the energy to deal with things.I don’t have castroparesis, like the diagram is discussing, but it is a useful cheat sheet for spoon theory in general, and it applies to depression and anxiety in the same way.
For me, right now, the thing I don’t have the energy to deal with is politics – particularly the 2016 Election. I’m inundated with it, from my friends, from Facebook and Tumblr, the news, entertainment shows – everyone and everything is talking about the election of 2016. With good reason, I’m not denying that. It’s a very important election, and a very scary one. But I’m completely burnt out. This past week, Super Tuesday nearly killed me, almost literally. It was the first time in several months that I had serious invasive thoughts about suicide – all because of a fight I had with a friend related to Super Tuesday and voting.
This is about to get a bit political.
Here is my basic position on the election as of its primary status. I will have a slightly altered opinion by the time a candidate is selected. I am a young, white, liberal. I am thoroughly against Trump, Cruz, and Rubio. But when it comes to Bernie vs Hillary – I have my reservations. Most of my contemporaries are absolutely crazy about Bernie. They are very pushy, aggressive even, about how EVERYONE should vote for him, and you’re a bad person if you don’t. Now, I agree with Bernie’s ideals and am quite supportive of that. However, I question Bernie’s practicality as President. I am unsure he will be able to get things done because he is so extreme, and I am a bit wary about sending him into a competition against Trump or Cruz, because then it will be Extreme vs Extreme, and even though I agree with Bernie’s extremism for the most part, nobody wins in that situation. When it comes to Hillary, she’s not my favorite candidate, but I think she has a better shot at being a compromising, practical President.
Furthermore, I felt very uninformed going into this primary – everyone was shouting at me how great Bernie was and how terrible Hillary was, but when you go and compare their stances on the issues using any comparison website, it turns out they are very similar. I want to hear the bad things about Bernie and the good things about Hillary, but I can’t find those. Nobody is talking about that. So because of their similarities, and how difficult it was for me to feel informed, I made the decision not to vote on Super Tuesday, because I would have been fine with either candidate winning.
That’s not to mention the fact that I was quickly burning out on the election. I had maybe about one spoon left to deal with it, and then I lost it in the fight. I won’t get into the details of what happened because that’s not the point of this post, nor do I want to call out my friend online, but the summary of what happened was she was incredibly angry at me for not voting for Bernie, and she said some very hurtful things.
That was the last straw for me. Since then, I’ve barely been able to handle seeing Bernie or Hillary’s names anywhere. I scroll past news and election coverage quickly. I feel guilty when I see anything, and I get very anxious. It’s really hard to handle, and I hate it. This will keep happening until November, and I am completely out of spoons for it.
So what does this mean for my future within the next couple of months? It means I’ll have to deal with the internet, and some of my friends, very carefully. It means that I will be a little more burnt out every day, because every day there’s something new about the election. It’ll be hard, but it’s just another inconvenience that costs spoons, like getting up in the morning or showering. I will deal with it. And eventually, it will be over with.