Figuring it Out

Figuring out my sexuality was one of the most complicated things I ever had to figure out, and one of the things that caused me the most angst. Up until my freshman year of college, I just assumed that I was straight. I had never been given reason to believe otherwise, but that still didn’t feel right. I knew I wasn’t gay either, but I didn’t know how to define myself. A friend of mine once told me that “labels are for soup cans” and that’s fine for some people. Some people don’t want to be defined but their sexuality, and so they don’t want to put a label on it. But for me, I needed that label. I felt so othered I knew I needed to find a group and a label that fit me so I could feel normal. Freshman year in college is when I slowly began to figure that out.

I am a biromantic asexual. What that means is that I am romantically interested in at least two genders, and I am sexually interested/attracted to no one. These are not contradictory terms. I can want a relationship and love and affection without desiring sex. I can be interested in guys and girls, and find them aesthetically pleasing, but not want to bang anybody. I’ll break it into pieces.

Figuring out I was biromantic was the easy part. I had begun questioning whether I was into girls freshman year, and then suddenly sophomore year I fell hard for one. That made me realize that if I thought about it, I had had crushes on girls since elementary school. I also had crushes on boys. At first I thought it was that simple. I was bisexual. But that still didn’t feel right. Then someone introduced me to the concept of asexuality and something clicked inside my head. It still wasn’t easy, I went back and forth for a while (asexual? Demisexual? Gray-ace?) but eventually I knew I was asexual. Asexuality simply means not being sexually attracted to anyone. (For the record, demisexuality means only being attracted to someone once you develop a strong emotional bond with them, and gray-ace is a spectrum of feeling sexual attraction sometimes, but not others. They all fall under the asexuality spectrum. I am by no means an expert, but this is how I understand it.) Suddenly the world made perfect sense to me. I had no sexual desire, I wasn’t sexually attracted to anybody, it was a perfect match. I was asexual.

When I figured out I was biromantic asexual, a lot of things cleared up for me. I stopped hating myself as much. My depression went away for a little while. I finally felt that something was right. It felt good. So don’t worry. Whether you think labels are for soup cans, or you’re desperately searching for the right words to define you, to feel like home, it’s out there. There are lots of places and groups you can go if you’re questioning your sexuality, and lots of people who can help. You will figure it out, even if it takes a while. We’re here for you.

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