I’ve been wanting to write another blog post for a while – thoughts and stressors have been swirling around in my head, and I figured a blog post would be a good way to go. But I couldn’t figure out what to write, so forgive me if this is a little haphazard.
I’m in the hospital again. Well, a partial hospitalization. It means I’m doing groups in the hospital during the day, but I get to go home at night. My mental health has been taking a nosedive since before Thanksgiving and two weeks ago hit a peak where I just wanted to die.
I kept thinking, what was the point? Why should I even bother? Why was I even here? People are resilient, but I didn’t apply that to myself. Just the resilience that, if I was gone, even those who cared about me would get over it eventually. It’s how people survive.
This thought was “evidence-based” from my own experience. When my close friend died by suicide my freshman year in college, I was a wreck. For several months, I was inconsolable. I’m sure her family felt much worse, but I can only imagine. But it’s been almost 7 years since…and while I’m still sad, I still miss her, I don’t think about her every day. In fact, I don’t think about her most days. She doesn’t factor into my daily life. And that scares me – that people can, not forget, but move on. It makes me feel unimportant. It makes me feel insignificant – like it doesn’t matter if I exist at all.
I’m sure my parents and sister would be traumatized if I died. My friends would ultimately get over it. Not that they don’t care, but like, people move on.
I sent a group message to my friends the other day. I was really scared to do it, because the last time I reached out for support or reassurance, I was called emotionally manipulative. To be fair, I’m sure I didn’t phrase my request well, I was in the middle of a depressive panic-attack, and I just shot out a text to three of my friends asking if they were still my friends. They wondered why I only sent the text to the three of them, which I couldn’t really explain, and they told me I was manipulating them. There was more to it than that, but when I tried to express myself I basically got shot down, and I got no compassion for my emotional state. I recognize that I can’t expect people to automatically have the capacity to support me or be there for me – everyone has their own stuff to deal with. But this wasn’t presented in that context. It was presented as if I was in the wrong for having a mental illness, and I just needed to try harder to be “normal.” Now, my memories may be a bit skewed based on how I interpreted what they said. They may not have meant any of that at all. But that was how I understood their words.
Regardless, I sent a group message to my friends, letting them know that my mental health had taken a nosedive, I was in the partial hospitalization program, and that I may need some extra support. I assured them it was fine if they couldn’t provide that support, because I understand that everyone has their own stuff that they’re dealing with and you need to put your own oxygen mask before assisting others, but if I was extra distant or extra clingy, that was the reason why.
I got three responses. Not that I was necessarily expecting responses, but still…I was hoping for responses. I sent the message to 11ish people. One of those three responses was from a friend I didn’t even send the message to, because she doesn’t have FB messenger where I sent the message, but I was planning on contacting later. One of the responses was from a friend who just told me to reach out if I needed help, and the final response was from my ex. Who is my friend, but I don’t feel like I can talk to him about any of this stuff because it is the reason why he dumped me. The fact that my ex is one of the only people who consistently responds to me when I send out messages (regardless of what kind of message, it could be an invitation to the group chat to hang out, or just a “hey what’s up”) is incredibly frustrating. Because there’s a lot I know I can’t trust him with emotionally, but he seems to be one of the only ones who cares enough to respond, even if he responds three days later because he’s really bad at texting.
So I can’t help but feel disappointed that most of my friends didn’t even respond with a “feel better!” or anything like that, even though I know it’s an unreasonable expectation.
I need to be able to rely on myself, and not be so dependent on other people for my happiness and well-being, but it’s really hard. I’m trying. but I might not be succeeding exactly.
I’m still figuring some things out. Why my mental health went poop recently, for example. I still can’t figure that out. It just sucks.
I need to put my oxygen mask on, but right now, I can’t even find it.