My Own Valentine

Last year, I wrote several posts surrounding Valentine’s Day:Won’t You Be My Valentine?In All Seriousness; and Valentine’s Day and Expectations. I am constantly writing about my ex and my dating misadventures, about romance and relationships.

But today, 2/14/2018, I am my own Valentine, and it feels good.

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Yuri!!! On Ice Saved My Life

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Okay, so saying “Yuri!!! On Ice” saved my life may be a little dramatic, a little hyberbolic, but in other ways, it’s completely true.

If you read my post Taking a nosedive into negative territory you’ll know that I’ve…not been doing so well these past few months. I’m doing a lot better now, part of that is because I’ve taken the time to get treatment, but I’m 100% certain that if I did not have Yuri!!! On Ice, I would have fallen farther, much faster, and possibly hurt myself worse in the process. For most of those months, even when I was hanging out with friends and doing other things that normally made me happy, there was always pain-sad-loneliness in the back of my mind, threatening to take over. The only thing that made me truly happy was interacting with Yuri!!! On Ice media – mostly reading fanfiction and searching for fanart, having already watched the series. Continue reading “Yuri!!! On Ice Saved My Life”

Friendship? Not anymore

Just a short while after my last post about my ex I have come to an important conclusion. (You may be sick of reading about him. I’m sick of writing about him, but this is important)

I don’t want to be friends with him anymore. I don’t even like him anymore, platonically. It’s been a while since I’ve liked him romantically, but I am just so over everything.

I feel like this conclusion was a long time coming. Three years after the breakup, I’m finally at a place in my healing where I don’t want him in my life.

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But Today I’m Fine Without You

Three posts in a week? Wow! I’m proud of myself.

Unfortunately, this is yet another post about my ex.

I’m sure you’re all wondering, “When the fuck is she going to get over this dude and stop writing about him? It’s been three years!”

And you know what? I feel the same way. That’s why I’m writing this post.

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I have a problem. I feel like I’m over him – I consciously don’t want to get back together with him, I don’t think I’m in love with him, and I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. I barely want a friendship with him anymore if I’m honest, but he’s friends with all my friends and that’s impossible to cut out. And there’s still a (large?) part of me that doesn’t want to cut him out anyway.

But I’m dwelling on him again. Probably because he has a new girlfriend. And I’m not jealous, at least not in the way you might think. I’m not jealous of her or of him, but I’m jealous of THEM. That is to say, I am jealous that they are in a relationship, and I am still single.

I do have a bit of a problem with them hanging all over each other when we  are hanging out (in a group – I would never hang out with the two of them on my own). I mean, I know he’s very touchy-feely, and I’m not going to ask them to stop because it’s their prerogative, but it makes me uncomfortable. It reminds me of when he and I were like that, and it reminds me that I have no one to be touchy-feely with, because I am also very touchy-feely.

I went on a date last Saturday night. This was my first date since I had found out he had a new girlfriend several weeks ago, but before we were hanging out and they were all over each other. (I had met his new girlfriend before though, she is very nice. And I am honestly happy for them underneath it all. But I’m also still hurting.) And the guy was really nice and really cute. But I wasn’t really enthusiastic about the date. I had fun and laughed a lot, but just, he kept saying things like he didn’t like going out, he didn’t like vegetables, he didn’t like this band or that band, he didn’t like Ryan Reynolds, he just didn’t like a lot of stuff. And it felt really negative. So I don’t think I want that sort of negativity in my life. So I haven’t texted him since. And he hasn’t texted me either, so he probably didn’t really feel a connection with me either.

I’m so scared I’m going to be alone forever. I’m not going to just jump into a relationship with the first person who wants to be in one with me, but I also don’t want to be alone forever. Especially because I feel like I’m pulling apart from my friends. In some ways it’s a natural drift due to time and adulthood, but I’m also anxious and depressed, so I’m also afraid that they just hate me. So I’m feeling very lonely platonically and lonely romantically, so that really sucks. I’m having a hard time being alone. I feel as if my emotional needs are not being met. I feel clingy. I never used to be like this. I was a true introvert. And now? Well, I’m not an extrovert by any means. But I really need people. And I don’t know if I have them.

And to top it all off, probably because I’m ruminating about this whole thing, I’m dreaming about my ex again. And not in a “I’m having a dream that includes my friends” sort of way, which has also been happening. But in a “I had a dream last night that I texted him ‘I still love you'” which really upsets me. Is my subconscious trying to tell me that I still love him? I don’t know and I really hope not. Because he certainly still doesn’t love me. And I don’t want to love him.

So I’m sick of this. I’m sick of being so needy. I’m sick of being so lonely. And I’m sick of my ex. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. But I have to. And that’s life. So I’m just going to complain about it here on my blog, and hopefully be able to move on.\

Any dating tips, readers?

Words Hurt: A Performative Photo Project

Whether or not you hear these words from other people or from yourself, they tear you down and you fall apart. These are my words.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words have the power to emotionally scar and cripple me.

Take a moment today to think about the words you use – for yourself and for others. If you need to: change them. It might be a long process. But change them for your own good.IMG_20180104_120107IMG_20180104_120121IMG_20180104_120133IMG_20180104_120143